Tuesday, August 22, 2017

15 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:

15. [I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”

My sister combined 14, 15, and 16 in her response:

My response:

I addressed trust in the last post, http://laurelhawkes.blogspot.com/2017/08/14-of-25-things.html, in terms of allowing others into my life. It was about avoiding being taken advantage of, used, hurt.

This is about trusting others not to abandon me. It's happened, often. It started young. Best friends decide our friendship doesn't work for them. Pets die. Yes, death is a kind of abandonment. It's the circle of life but that doesn't make it easier.

At the same time, I was taught that every single friend must be kept. "You can never have too many friends." "You can't afford to lose even one friend." Losing a friend was my fault, and I needed to rectify the bad choice on my part. Sadly, I believed the lies.

Friends are not collectables. Friends are people.

Every time I stripped away a layer of lies, I lost friends. Not because they were bad people but because I wasn't who they thought I was because of how I portrayed myself. Not their fault.

Abuse requires lies be interwoven with truths. When I no longer told or believed the lies taught to me I changed. As I changed, my focus changed. As my focus changed, my life changed.

Do I have trust issues? Yes. Am I paranoid everyone will leave me? Not anymore. Do I believe no one will leave me? Absolutely not.

People change. Guaranteed. Sometimes, people change is in the same direction; sometimes, they don't. Choosing different directions isn't a bad thing. Sometimes, it's possible to remain friends despite going different directions. Sometimes, it isn't.

It's okay to make a different choice. It's hard when it's the other person that realizes the friendship doesn't fit anymore first. What's sad is hanging onto a friendship that was meant for a season instead of a lifetime.

There's a difference between being abandoned and growing in different directions until the friendship no longer fits. Looking back and yearning for what was wastes time and energy and even blinds one to the new friendships waiting.

No, I'm not as comfortable with the process as I sound. I understand the process, but I'm not good at putting it into practice. I'm working on it.

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