19 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

19. “My whole childhood was emotional abuse. It is extremely hard for me to accept I have people in my life who actually care about me. That’s the worst one. I am nothing to myself so why would I matter to others?”

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/21/emotional-abuse-4/

My response:

Yes, I struggled with this one, for decades. It continued in spite of evidence to the contrary.

In 1986, I spent the summer in England. I was treated like royalty. People went out of their way to help me, strangers and new friends. There were also a few who used me because I still had no boundaries. Part of my running away was looking for people who wouldn't violate my boundaries. I didn't connect that it was my responsibility to define those boundaries and maintain them.

In 2002, I joined the twentieth century and added the internet to my life. Why? I'd seen "Fellowship of the Rings" and I wanted to connect with other people who loved it as much as I did. I discovered the wonder of instant boundaries. No one could see me. No one knew my name, unless I told them. No one knew where I lived. If I didn't like something, I could close the tab and/or go to a different site. The computer taught me about boundaries. My third counselor taught me how to apply what I'd learned to the physical world.

Back to the "Lord of the Rings" fan club. I made friends, some of whom I still hold dear. Over and over, they demonstrated their concern for me. Online friends are real people and capable of being real friends. These amazing people helped me transfer this understanding to people not on the computer.

However, the love of these people could not make me love myself. Love of self must come from within. I'm not a fan of "fake it till you make it." Too often, it leads to simply faking it. Learning to love myself required I say positive things to myself I didn't believe.

Learning to love yourself is a two-prong path: Physical and mental. Eating better, exercising, keeping clean, wearing clothes that are clean and fit are all things that show me I care about myself. Positive self-talk, developing healthy relationships, spending time with God are all things that reinforce the perception that I care about myself. One supports the other.

Caring about myself makes it easier to care about others. Caring about myself reassures others I'm capable of caring about them. I'm far from perfect, but I've come a long way from where I used to be.

Wordless Wednesday

18 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

18. “I constantly think I’m not good enough and I’m not smart enough. [I] was told [this] all my childhood… I’ve gone back to university to prove to myself that I am smart enough, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, like a poison, reminding me I’m not good enough, not smart enough.”

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/20/mega-trigger-for-me/

My response:

I thought I was the dumbest one of the family. They all have college degrees, at least a bachelors. I have an AAS, as in two-year degree, which I completed in my 30s. I also have several certificates of completion for a few programs. None of them made me feel smarter.

I was expected to major in math or engineering. I'm dyslexic. With words, I can figure out when I turn letters around or which letters around. With numbers, I'm at a complete loss. I turn 6 and 9 upside down. I've written 3 as E and have to remember that 5 and S go the same direction as well as 2 and Z. I have the unfortunate ability to look at a number, say it correctly out loud, and write a completely different number. I don't think math. I think words. However, it was drilled into me that the money was in math, and I was expected to pursue it, even if I hated it.

I was also told that men are stupid and don't marry girls as fat as I am or with a face as scarred as mine is. I put on another 30 pounds. A stupid and unhealthy response. Weight was my personal shield. I learned that people don't notice someone who is overweight as much as someone who isn't. It added to me not being good enough, but it didn't matter because no one was looking at me anyway. Really unhealthy negative self talk.

A lot of things happened that re-enforced my belief that I'm not enough.

I don't feel that way anymore. So what changed?

I adopted a dog. She thought the sun rose and set with me. It wasn't the solution; it was a starting point. I made a lot of changes so I would be a healthier for my fur baby. I had allowed people to say things to me that I wouldn't allow them to say about my dog. I learned to transfer that care to me because it made me a better pet owner. Then I adopted a horse, and I learned more.

I worked with three different counselors. Each tackled different aspects of my messed up life... really, it was more like the first handled surface, obvious problems. The second delved deeper, but there were still a lot of things we never tackled. The third was no holds barred. I was all in and so was my counselor. It wasn't until my last counselor that I finally accepted I'm smart enough; I'm good enough; I'm enough.

Through it all, I also read self-help books, watched television programs, took classes, and anything I could think of to help me improve. I did improve, but my sense of not being enough didn't change.

When did I finally believe I'm enough? It's only been the last few years. It started with believing that God loves me no matter what. He helped me build on that.

There are still bad days when I feel completely inadequate. However, there is a part of me that knows and never forgets that God is there, holding His hand out to me because I'm enough. Jesus Christ suffered and died and was resurrected for me because I'm enough.

You are also enough.

Monday Quote

Sunday Scripture

Proverbs 18:24

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Saturday Links

 Jean Fischer's short post is well worth the read. I may never eat another potato.
https://jeanfischer.wordpress.com/2017/08/02/how-a-potato-launched-my-writing-career-2/

Beholding Him Ministries shares a powerful message of faith, including Corrie Ten Boom's story.
https://beholdinghimministries.org/2017/08/08/trust-in-the-lord-nmw/

God bless.

17 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

17. “[I] won’t let anyone see the ‘bad’ side of myself.”

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/17/hiding-the-dark-side/

My response:

A tough way to live. It's also a miserable way to live, not to mention impossible. Sooner or later, you slip up. It also requires maintaining a series of lies.

This one is a good one to explore "why." Why don't I want anyone to see my bad side?

A survivor has been brutally taught that they are inherently bad. If they weren't bad, all those evil things wouldn't have happened to them. An abuser excels at manipulating the victim. Convincing the victim that they are the problems allows the abuser to justify whatever they do because it's the victim's fault, no matter what it is.

Allowing others to see my "bad" side meant they could use it against me, too. They'd see that I deserved all the abuse, bad, evil things done to me. They might even join in on dishing out more.

If someone doesn't want you to know about their bad side, it might not be because of pride or wanting to appear perfect or superior. It might be because they don't want you to join the list of those who have hurt them. More difficult to grapple with is that they believe they deserve nothing else.

I know that my abusers lied. Knowing this does not make me less leery about revealing my faults. However, over time, I've discovered that revealing my faults has another outcome: It helps others feel like they are not alone in their imperfections. Revealing my "bad" side exposes the truth: I'm human.

There is another aspect I never appreciated. I didn't understand it because my abusers muddied the positive so thoroughly that all I saw was the negative. I not only hid the bad side from others, I worked to hide it from myself. I have a frightening temper, rage that dented a frying pan when I threw it on the floor. By trying to keep my bad side buried, I couldn't work on improving it.

Earnestly seeking God's help required I choose to look the ugliness in the face in order to create a plan of action to make permanent changes. It's painful. It's scary. It's worth it.

No one likes to come across in a bad light. I also had to learn that this is true of everyone. It requires strength and courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Exposing imperfections opens the possibility of being humiliated and hurt. It also opens the possibility of discovering a new and precious gift, connection, understanding, patience, desired change. Make the choice to be healthy.

16 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

16. “I’m overly shy around people and struggle [with] having a voice. [I believe] no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”

My sister combined 14, 15, and 16 in her response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/17/different-facets/

My response:

I've often said that I'm not talkative, until you know me and then I'm a chatterbox and good luck shutting me up. I'm comfortable with this, now. I wasn't always.

Feeling stupid isn't conducive to opening up to others. If you don't say anything, then you can't prove how much you don't know and can't put your foot in your mouth. Self-confidence is not easy to acquire when so many things about you and what you've said have been ridiculed and belittled. It was years before I discovered that many of the things that were criticized were actually right but the abuser had to be right and had to be superior.

How did I change my perspective? My dog helped. She was a great conversation started. I was also an expert on her. Being a dog lover opened doors with other dog lovers. My horse blew open the door. People loved to hear about my horse. So many wanted a horse but couldn't afford one. I didn't go to movies or out to eat or on vacations. I think many of them lived their secret dream through me. I didn't mind. I also think they enjoyed my enthusiasm.

I know. You don't have a dog or a horse. Big help. I'm able to look back and see that I was already learning to open up. In hindsight, what helped more than anything else was deciding that many others were as uncomfortable as I was. When I focused on making them comfortable my own discomfort faded into the background.

My horse and my dog have been gone for many years now. I can't use them as icebreakers. It makes people sad. However, if I'm feeling inadequate, I'm still able to fall back on doing my best to make the other person feel comfortable and accepted.

Important note: I have to be careful to not be so focused on making the other person feel comfortable that I ignore my warning signals that my boundaries are being violated. Overt abuse is easy to spot. Covert abuse is exactly that: Covert, disguised, subtle.

Another thought: I needed to learn that I'm not really shy. Put me in a line, and I'll be chatting with people. I'm more introvert than extrovert, an ambivert. I accept that I do not like to be crowded. I do enjoy making the day a little better for anyone with whom I come in contact.

Final thought: If someone doesn't respond or gives a tepid response, I remind myself it might be that we simply don't connect or they may be having an off day. It is not my job to entertain the world or make anyone happy. Happiness is an inside job. My job is to be who God created me to be because there's no one else like me, and He thinks I should be here. He thinks the same thing about you.

Wordless Wednesday

15 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

15. “[I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”

My sister combined 14, 15, and 16 in her response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/17/different-facets/

My response:

I addressed trust in the last post, http://laurelhawkes.blogspot.com/2017/08/14-of-25-things.html, in terms of allowing others into my life. It was about avoiding being taken advantage of, used, hurt.

This is about trusting others not to abandon me. It's happened, often. It started young. Best friends decide our friendship doesn't work for them. Pets die. Yes, death is a kind of abandonment. It's the circle of life but that doesn't make it easier.

At the same time, I was taught that every single friend must be kept. "You can never have too many friends." "You can't afford to lose even one friend." Losing a friend was my fault, and I needed to rectify the bad choice on my part. Sadly, I believed the lies.

Friends are not collectables. Friends are people.

Every time I stripped away a layer of lies, I lost friends. Not because they were bad people but because I wasn't who they thought I was because of how I portrayed myself. Not their fault.

Abuse requires lies be interwoven with truths. When I no longer told or believed the lies taught to me I changed. As I changed, my focus changed. As my focus changed, my life changed.

Do I have trust issues? Yes. Am I paranoid everyone will leave me? Not anymore. Do I believe no one will leave me? Absolutely not.

People change. Guaranteed. Sometimes, people change is in the same direction; sometimes, they don't. Choosing different directions isn't a bad thing. Sometimes, it's possible to remain friends despite going different directions. Sometimes, it isn't.

It's okay to make a different choice. It's hard when it's the other person that realizes the friendship doesn't fit anymore first. What's sad is hanging onto a friendship that was meant for a season instead of a lifetime.

There's a difference between being abandoned and growing in different directions until the friendship no longer fits. Looking back and yearning for what was wastes time and energy and even blinds one to the new friendships waiting.

No, I'm not as comfortable with the process as I sound. I understand the process, but I'm not good at putting it into practice. I'm working on it.

Monday Quote

Sunday Scripture

Proverbs 18:22

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

Saturday Links

For the Donna Hatch fans, she shared a post about "London Townhouses, the Servants' Entrance":
http://donnahatch.blogspot.com/2017/07/london-townhouses-servants-entrance.html

Sheree Crawford, over at The Writer's Path, offers some good tips on "Historical Research for Writers." In writing A Promise of Possibilities, the year was 1816. The previous year, there had been a volcanic eruption that changed the weather in England, and 1816 was known as "the year without summer."
https://ryanlanz.com/2017/07/29/historical-research-for-writers/

God bless.

Favorite Book Friday

"Submerged," book 1 of the Alaskan Courage series, by Dani Pettrey is a contemporary Christian suspense romance. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the series as well as other books by Dani Pettrey.

Musical Thursday

Matthew West is one of my favorite artists. "Broken Things" speaks to my wounded soul:
https://youtu.be/WdUu6ZsdVfM

Wordless Wednesday

14 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

14. “I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”

My sister combined 14, 15, and 16 in her response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/17/different-facets/

My response:

Asking for help meant admitting weakness, failure, being wrong. I didn't say it was true; I said that's what it meant to me. How did I learn this? What happened when I asked for help growing up?

I was spoken to like I was stupid. "It's easy..." "It's simple..." "Anyone can do this. All you have to do is..." "What do we need to do to make sure you never make the mistake again?" Yes, not knowing was treated like a mistake.

For me, one of the worst was "Watch me." I was frequently scolded for not paying attention, except I was. I simply couldn't translate what they did into what I needed to do.

What I need: Let me do it and talk me through, step by step, and don't skip a step and expect me to be intuitive about it. Sometimes, I am, but I'm often not. Once I've learned it, I enjoy exploring and trying variations, if it's applicable.

It's important to recognize that I needed to figure out what I needed before I could ask for it. I only figured this out a few years ago.

Like the person above stated, sometimes, asking for help required payment... I won't go into that ugliness here, except to point out that the trade was never fair or balanced. They would give a little, and I was required to give almost everything. Then I would be required to be thankful for what they'd done for me. And if I didn't properly verbalize my gratitude (above and beyond the price I'd been emotionally blackmailed into paying), then I was ungrateful.

To say the least, trust is a nightmare issue all it's own. Keeping up walls, with me safely inside and unsafe people outside, was an obvious solution. It was also a healthy solution, around the abusers. I experienced a lot of disasters letting people in I thought were safe but weren't. I didn't know how to recognize who was safe and who wasn't, re-enforcing the need for walls. Being alone all the time isn't healthy. I was healthy enough to recognize that and the need for change.

I had a church leader tell me that all I needed was Jesus Christ. Yes and no. A simplistic answer for a complex problem. I replied, "How can Jesus Christ help me if I don't trust Him?" My counselors helped me restore the trust that had been brutally stripped from me. It required practice, lots and lots of practice, pretty much like anything worthwhile.

I'm much better at asking for help when I need it. I've still a lot to learn, but I'm improving. Sometimes, the problem lies in not realizing I need help. Other times, I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. I don't like asking for blanket help because it too easily leaves the door open for offers I don't want or need.

My last counselor didn't ask me to drop the walls. He asked me to build gates and not one big one but a series of gates. People were allowed to enter if they met certain criteria. Of those allowed past the first gate, some were allowed to enter the next gate, working their way inward. It isn't perfect, but it's much better than keeping everyone out or allowing everyone in.

Monday Quote

Book 2 in the Endless Possibilities series

Sunday Scripture

Proverbs 18:15

The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.

Saturday Links

Mustard Seed Blogs on Waiting:
https://mustardseedblogs.wordpress.com/2017/07/18/are-we-there-yet/

For Jane Austen lovers:
https://janeaustensworld.wordpress.com/2017/07/19/exploring-jane-austens-prayers/

God bless.

13 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

13. "I find myself always explaining my every move. I explain why I bought something, why I did what I did, etc. I feel like people think I'm lying to them, so I owe them a detailed explanation. Also feeling as though if I say ‘no’ to someone, they’ll hate me. So even if I’m inconveniencing myself, I’ll say ‘yes.’”

My sister combined 12 and 13 in this response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/12/woes-of-people-pleasing/

My response:

Explaining myself was a habit developed young. I had to explain so thoroughly that I couldn't be questioned or have what I said twisted. I could state an absolute fact, like the sky is blue, and I would be questioned. "Are you sure?" It's difficult growing up in a situation where the worst is thought of you. Explaining wasn't about being open; it was about defending myself.

It was years before I heard the term "Gaslighting." Funnily enough, I'd seen the movie. I did not see the correlation to my own life.

As to saying 'no' and feeling like they hate me, not so much. Instead, my 'no' was questioned to the point where I was taught I didn't have the right to say 'no.' If I did, I was disrespectful and disobedient. 'No' was negative, and no negativity was allowed, at least not from me.

I was to be perfectly cheerful and pleasant, but not too cheerful, at all times. I was to give whatever was asked and then some or I was lazy and unhelpful.

Thankfully, God taught me how to say 'no.' I can't remember if it was a class, a book, a lecture, or my first or second counselor. The changed started with practicing saying 'no' to little things, things that didn't matter. I was told to say 'no' to little things I wanted but didn't matter as practice. When I discovered that the world would not explode or implode because I said 'no' I progressed to little things that did matter. I learned to say 'no' first with the option of changing my mind.

Do I still say 'yes' when I wanted to say 'no'? Sometimes. Service usually isn't convenient.

I learned that saying 'no' to one thing always meant saying 'yes' to something else, and vice versa. I needed to choose my priorities or someone else would choose them for me. 'No' and 'yes' are all about setting and maintaining boundaries. If I want to be healthy, I have to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

It helps me to think in terms of God has work for me to do, and the adversary has plenty of distractions.

Romance Appreciation Month

The "Old Fashioned" social page asked what song needed to be on a Love Song Playlist. A lot of good choices were shared. Mine was Ella Fitzgerald singing Irving Berlin's "Always."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4yHfQyR21Q

An Arizona sunrise.

Wordless Wednesday

12 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

12. "I feel the need to please everybody I deem ‘of authority’ and thus have a hard time getting my needs met. I strive too hard for [a] perfection that doesn’t exist, and then eventually, melt down when too many things are not up to the standards held in my past."

My sister combined 12 and 13 in this response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/12/woes-of-people-pleasing/

My response:

People Pleaser: Been there. Done that.

I grew up hearing "You're doing the doing; do it your way." There was one little problem: If I didn't do it the way expected, I was corrected, regardless of whether I'd done it wrong or right. I'd try harder to do it right. It took far too long for me to figure out that the point of the insanity wasn't to teach me to do it perfectly but to ensure I failed.

The purpose of causing someone else to repeatedly fail is to keep them under the thumb of the tormentor. Of course, there are occasional successes, the proverbial carrot on a string, only enough to keep the victim under the influence of the abuser.

It's wearing trying to measure up to an impossible standard set by someone else. Adding to the nightmare is when I made the impossible standard my own. I remember one of my sessions with my last counselor. He wanted to know how I viewed my ideal. Sitting in his office, I could see her perfectly, the woman I always visualized I wanted to be. What shocked me was realizing I didn't like her. Yes, she was beautiful, healthy, and successful. She was also arrogant, demanding, and unreasonable.

My awesome counselor helped me strip the lies from my foundation, strengthen the truths, and rebuild. Changing my perspective paved the way for me to release the need for perfection, for the most part. It served me well as a medical transcriptionist.

Line upon line, I released the need for perfection in many aspects of my life. I also discovered that failure isn't a scary or a tragedy. Failure can be an opportunity to learn my limits and make achievable goals to stretch a little further.

The game changer was learning and accepting I didn't have to stay stuck in the past and then doing the hard work to make the changes I wanted in my life. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking for God's guidance and inspiration. Books, music, movies, people, anything and everything was an opportunity to learn.

Romance Appreciation Month

The beginning:

Endless Possibilities series...

Every story starts with "What if..."

The Regency period represents a turning point in history, balanced between the past and the future. In England, 1816, the year without summer due to a volcanic eruption, the war is over and the world is changing. A new season begins for the Thorn family. Being one of the Thorn children promises difficulties, unless they bend to the will of their father whose interests lie in wheedling his way into the peerage, seeking power and money. Loving a Thorn child isn't easy either. They've learned the painful lesson of guarding their hearts.

Dark schemes lurk, riddled with twisted intentions bent on the destruction of those who refuse to bend to its will. Hopeless dreams awaken, and doors open to new paths, for those who dare to brave them. The worlds of class differences and propriety clash, and complications abound. Torn between the possibilities hidden in the future and the secrets of the past, choices must be made, before time runs out and the past catches up, deciding the future for them.

Shattered trust and faith may tear souls apart, unless they unearth the courage to embrace the truth. Honor demands choosing the right way, the hard way, God's way. No matter the age, God is there and He never abandons His own.

The historical adventure begins here...

A Promise of Possibilities ~ August 21, 2012 Jonathan Silverton and Elizabeth (Ellie) Thorn

https://www.amazon.com/Promise-Possibilities-Endless-Book-ebook/dp/B00909PNB8/ref=sr_1_1 

In 1816, Spinster Elizabeth Thorn serves more as a slave than a servant as her father's housekeeper. The courageous war stories penned by Paul Silver inspire her to correspond with him, but after years of heartfelt letters, he ceases replying. Her father accepts a lucrative marriage bargain on her behalf, and her dream of sharing her life with a kindred spirit withers.

Jonathan Silverton blames himself for failing his best friend. To escape his shame, he moves to the countryside and meets none other than the woman he wrote for a decade. He dares not reveal his secrets, but he will not deny his desire to marry her.

Secrets breed distrust and misunderstandings. The past refuses to stay buried.

Shattered trust and faith may tear them apart...unless they each discover the courage to embrace the truth.

Sunday Scripture

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

Saturday Links

Grace for My Heart deals with narcissism on Fridays. In this post, he shares an interesting perspective on "Selfishness."
https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2017/07/14/selfishness/

Jean Fischer's blog about "9 Out of 10 Writers Have Hypergraphia. Do You?" It's an amusing read, especially if you enjoy word play.
https://jeanfischer.wordpress.com/2017/07/15/9-out-of-10-writers-have-hypergraphia-do-you-2/

God bless.

Romance Appreciation Month

Welcome to August. Five years ago, my first book was released by Desert Breeze Publishing, Inc.

The first time I saw the cover, I cried because it so perfectly matched what was in my head. Thank you, Carol Fiorillo.

11 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

10. "I have trouble accepting any kind of love because growing up, it was always given with strings attached or used as a tool for manipulation. I don’t trust that others have the capacity to love me unconditionally, so I hide away parts of myself, never allowing myself to experience the vulnerability that comes with being loved, chosen and accepted by others."

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/11/capital-letters/

My response:

"Love" was about manipulation. Gifts and compliments were ways to butter me up. It was all about luring me into revealing more about myself, and then they'd take advantage of my vulnerability, either wanting something from me or attacking my soft spot. I learned to never reveal anything, even if it meant lying. If Abraham could lie about Sarah being his sister, in order to save them both, then I figured I could lie to protect myself from the predators in my life.

I chose to change, over and over again.

I adopted a dog. She taught me about love and acceptance and strength and courage. Then I adopted a horse, and he taught me about tenacity and patience and consistency and the power of a thousand-pound animal giving you their trust. They were the gifts God gave me to teach me about love from the ground up.

My last counselor told me that he wanted me to learn to stand up for myself without losing my tenderheartedness. I opened my heart to more people.

I'm not sure I've reached the point where I could be as vulnerable as I need to be in a marriage relationship, but I've come a long way. The characters in my stories are a safe way to visualize what I'd like and work through the potential problems.

I'm grateful for the wonderful friends who have patiently helped me. God is good.

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday Tidbit

I thought I'd give an update on "Christmas Lost" novella #12 of the Holiday, USA series. Alex, like most of my heroes, decided to throw in an unexpected element. I thought I was writing the last chapter. Thanks to our hero, it was the next to last chapter, and NOW I'm writing the last chapter. I think.

The last sentenced type before posting this:

Alex turned the lock, and put up the "Closed for Christmas Day" sign.

One of my bouquets from Bobbie's Flowers. A dear friend kindly signed me up for the Bouquet-a-Month club. The flowers last 2-3 weeks, and I think of my friend every time I look at them.