Happy Resurrection Sunday!

"I have overcome the world." ~ Jesus

 Jesus the Christ, my Lord and Savior, Master and King, is Risen. He lives, now and forever.

 

Loss

Hallee Bridgeman writes Christian romance. I was privileged to meet her at a readers' conference, many years ago. I was already a fan of her Jewel series. She doesn't pretend that the physical reaction in a relationship, including a budding one, is nonexistent. I try to acknowledge the same thing in my own stories.

Did you know that guidelines for many Christian publishers demands that the only reaction to a kiss be the emotional one? Physical reactions are not to be mentioned. Hallee allowed me to believe an audience existed for my type of stories.

She and her husband attended the conference, and their faith definitely wasn't hidden under a bushel. I was inspired and encouraged.

Once I joined FB, I followed her. I finally signed up for her newsletter and her YouTube channel. I've read and watched her participation in various conferences. I've watched her family go on vacation. Her children have grown up before my eyes.

Sadly, she posted yesterday, that her youngest son, Jeb, was out walking and was hit and killed by driver in a truck. He was only 14 years old, a freshman, a remarkable young man. I only recently watched him participate in the national rubrics cube competition. I watched them strip and clean a house. I enjoyed seeing the pictures of a family working together and having fun together.

I have no children of my own. I can't begin to imagine what they're going through. I pray for God's grace and mercy on them. May they feel His loving embrace, encompassing them in their sorrow and Jeb in eternity.

Tuesday Tidbit

The world is in an uproar, panicking, losing its head.

Some perspective, in America:

More people have died from suicide.

More people have died from drug overdoses.

More people have died in car accidents.

This isn't to mitigate the very real health risks, especially to those vulnerable. I list those things to remind myself that life holds no guarantees. For the family who lost a member to a drug overdose or suicide or accident or other disease or a tornado or other disaster, the current health crisis is no worse. Perspective.

I've often said that I live in fear. I hate that about myself. This gave me an opportunity for introspection with new input. I'm not afraid.

Yes, it's close to home. I have family in Hong Kong. I have family with weakened immune systems, including me. I have numerous family members in the "red zone" population, including my father who's over 90.

I'm not so foolish as to believe bad things couldn't happen to me. I know better, compliments of brutal lessons. That saying about "stop worrying because most of the things you worry about will never happen," is not true for me. I don't worry about the things that probably won't happen; I worry about bad things that have happened happening again.

I examine my life and remember going to work in Yellowstone alone. It was great. I went on a mission to Thailand. It separated my life: Before my mission and after my mission.

Then I had the opportunity to go to Europe, alone. This was a life-changing milestone for me.

A few days before I flew to England, the USA bombed Libya. I had a choice to make: Do I stay or do I go? I chose to go.

I prayed and boarded the flight to JFK. An airport employee gathered those deplaning from different flights and guided us to the international terminal, little ducklings following their mother outside, across a road, into another building, where she left us to fend for ourselves. I found my connecting flight to Heathrow.

Boarding the TWA flight, the flight attendants were on strike, so flight attendants from other airline companies were filling in. They were pretty laid back. We were on a jumbo jet, all 13 passengers. The flight attendants suggested we sit in the middle section. "You can each have your own row of seats and will still have rows leftover." One attendant knelt in a seat up front and said, "I know why I'm here, but why are you flying?"

Several couples were English and returning home. One woman, with her children, was traveling to Germany to join her military husband. Then they came to me.

"This may be my only chance to go. If it's my time to die, I'll die no matter where I am. I might as well be doing what I want to do."

I booked a bus tour to Scotland. It was unforgettable.

And Chernobyl blew. I watched the projected radiation cloud float over France. France was so close. I realized how silly it was to be so close and not go, so I made plans. I went.

I've never regretted any of it. Not a minute.

Coming home, life changed. I settled down. Working for the airline, I'd visit San Diego for the day. Okay, I'd fly to San Diego, take the bus, with one change, and spend the day in Sea World. I drove to Yellowstone, twice, with my dog. I told her we couldn't do it a third time, unless she helped me drive. That was out, so we took shorter trips, the two of us.

Life changed again. My college education cost more than it paid. I spent the last of my savings on medical transcribing classes, via the mail. It was steady work.

I acquired a horse. He lived for five years, under my care, five years longer than expected. What an adventure.

Life changed again. 9/11 happened and "Lord of the Rings" came out. I discovered the internet and the LOTR Fan Club. I made friends.

When the second movie, "The Two Towers," was set to release, Howard Shore, the man who wrote the movie score, gave a lecture in L.A. The lecture would be followed by the premier showing of the movie. I expressed my interest in attending. One of my online friends suggested I fly on over. I did. Someone I'd never met before picked me up at the airport. Funnily enough, we recognized each other immediately. We've been dear friends ever since. For several years, I'd fly over for a weekend about twice a year, for LOTR related events, like reading day and even the LOTR Symphony concert. It was during those visits when I learned to love the ocean.

I've flown to Texas, with another LOTR friend from Oregon. She met me, for the first time, in Phoenix, for her connecting flight. We shared a cabin and enjoyed the company of other LOTR friends, we'd never met before.

My trips to Kentucky are with more LOTR friends that I met first online.

My trip to Atlanta included a visit with friends not related to LOTR that I've met online.

Then there's the whole being a published author thing.

Fear may play a daily role in my life (a larger role than I would prefer), but it doesn't control my life. I made that decision a long time ago. I try to not do anything too stupid. I thought I allowed fear to make my decisions for me, but all I have to do is take an honest look at my life. I have made some fear-based decisions. I'm not perfect. I've made a lot of good -- awesome -- decisions in spite of the fear.

I've worked hard, all my life, to not allow fear to control me. I'm not changing that now. Life happens. I'm going to keep working to live happy and involved in the world.

I can't choose what happens to me in this world. God has given me the power to choose how I respond to whatever happens to me.

I will not live in fear.

7 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

7. "I have problems trusting people. I keep people at [an] arm's length. I never really let them into my life. I don't allow them to know of my health problems and my mental illnesses. If I do let them in, it is rare and they [will] have known me for years. It takes a long time [for me] to build trust."

My sister's response combines 6 and 7:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/06/29/hermits-and-trust/

My response:

Trust has been a huge issue. I didn't trust anyone, not others, not myself, and not God. It's difficult to build trust when the people who you are supposed to be able to trust the most prove themselves untrustworthy. To complicate matters, people keep telling you that you should trust these untrustworthy people because those who aren't in the abuse often don't see the abuse.

Abusers have absolutely no trouble taking advantage of those who trust. In fact, trust is a necessary factor. Abusers will lie without thought in order to gain their own ends, and if it breaks trust, so be it, as long as they attain what they want. Trust is a toy to be played on and manipulated. Is it any wonder that a victim struggles with something that's been so severely twisted?

I refused to stay a victim.

One of my church leaders told me that all I needed to heal was Jesus. I replied, "If I don't trust anyone, including Jesus, how is it possible for Him to heal me?" My counselors taught me about healthy trust. I tentatively trusted them because it was trust them or give up. I didn't hand over my trust. They were required to earn it. I started with doing the assignments they gave me. As I saw progress, I trusted them a little more. With the first two, we quickly reached the point where we could progress no further. My last counselor picked up where they left off and helped me apply what I'd been learning.

I realized that my lack of faith in God and lack of faith in anything, for that matter, was really about a lack of faith in myself. I didn't trust myself to make good decisions. I didn't trust myself to take care of myself. I didn't trust myself to protect myself from harm. It surprises me now to realize that it was this very lack of trust that helped me trust God. I knew He was the same yesterday, today, and forever. I knew He was honest, all-knowing, trustworthy. This knowledge allowed me to step back and self-examine where I was lacking. If it wasn't Him, then it was me.

Comment 7 above doesn't realize that their attitude is healthy in an unhealthy situation. If you are in an abusive situation, you shouldn't allow the abuser within arm's length. You shouldn't let them into your life. You definitely shouldn't let them know about your weaknesses. It's a great starting place for building healthy boundaries. It isn't a bad thing to take time to build trust. As healthy boundaries are built, trust grows. Trust grows with healthy boundaries.

What God Wants Me To Be...

This, in general, will not be new to people who know me. There may be new details but not much else. What was new to me was the bone-deep realization.

I hate it when I wake up at 1 a.m. with a massive realization, a hit the wall, epic fail, stop you in your tracks realization.

This all started because Holley Gerth in You're Already Amazing and Evan Sanders of The Better Man Project both challenged me to discover what I'm drawn to and in the end who I'm supposed to be. I've been pondering what God wants me to be. I thought I knew. I've felt like I've fallen short or missed the mark or something. I feel like I've been wandering in the dark with only flashes of enlightenment. I hit the wall. I was wrong for all my life.

Last week, I woke up on Wednesday morning, at 1 a.m. and it hit me:

I believed God wanted me to be a wife and mother. I believed with all my heart.

It's something I believed my whole life. I geared everything toward that end. I didn't give in to my boyfriends pushing to go further. With each one, we were already going further than I wanted, but I didn't know how to say 'no' without risking losing him. Except I managed to say 'no' to giving him the one thing I believed deeply only my husband should have. A couple of my boyfriends even proposed. I said, 'yes' to one. No one knew. We kept it secret. I still wouldn't give him what only a husband should have. He got cold feet temporarily, recovered, and I got cold feet permanently. I couldn't give to anyone else what I thought belonged only to the man I married because God wanted me to be a wife and mother, in that order, not the other way around.

My parents wanted me to go into engineering because that's where the money is. It set me up to fail on an epic scale. I don't just turn numbers around. I turn 6 and 9 upside down. I will say the number out loud while I write it and still write a completely different number. It's bad enough when only a single digit is involved. Do that when writing out a four or five digit number. I don't simply switch the digits; I write completely different numbers. I have to remind myself that 3 and cursive E go in opposite directions, while 5 and s really do turn the same way and the same with 2 and z. I have to remind myself that the cursive Z and 2 look similar but 2 really doesn't have a tail on it. And this is the child who wasn't given any choice but to enroll in college as an engineering major.

I found my backbone, a little bit, and changed it to home economics, but was met with opposition, so I changed it to computer engineering. I proceeded to take classes from every department at the college except automotive and art, only because it didn't occur to me to take an automotive class, and I didn't want to sketch naked people and that was a part of Art 101. I did learn to change oil, filters, windshield wipers, and tires. I also took a calligraphy class from Parks and Rec. I considered cooking and sewing to be my art. I wanted to be well rounded because I was going to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be able to encourage my children in whatever they wanted to pursue.

Over the years, I took classes in finances, accounting, psychology, sociology, English, French, Spanish, chemistry, college algebra, typing, gourmet cooking, sewing, real estate, ice skating, yoga, communication, and a variety of others. During that time, I also worked in Yellowstone for a summer, served a mission in Thailand, lived in Europe for a summer, worked at a variety of jobs, including for the airlines. By the time I graduated with my two-year degree, I was in my 30s, and I'd acquired several certificates of completion in other programs like travel agency and sign language interpreter. If I could have graduated on credit hours, I would have had a Bachelors. However, they weren't all in one program, so it was only a two-year degree.

All of it, every last thing was done with the thought in mind that I wanted to be a well-rounded wife and mother. I wanted to give to my husband and children someone who was willing to learn almost anything to become a better person, to bring as much as I could to the table to make life richer, fuller, happier.

I'm over 50 now. There is no husband. No children. All I ever wanted or dreamed about. And I wonder what God intended me to be, and how did I miss hearing the message because it wasn't what I wanted, to be a wife and mother.

I don't have enough skills in any one area to support myself in a gainful profession. It's my own fault because I focused my attention on the dream of being a good wife and mother someday instead of figuring out a way to support myself.

I'm also ashamed to say that to me they were mutually exclusive. I wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I also feared I'd miss the opportunity if I became involved in a career. I'm single-minded as a way of battling OCD and other problems with being easily distracted. I know this about myself. I understood choosing one would exclude the other in my mind. I pursued what I wanted most.

Only in the last few years have I discovered I'm also a storyteller. I have been all my life. It's really all I know.

So, if you wonder why I write romance, it's what I know.

Mixed feelings...

Part of me rejoices and fearfully trembles as I step onto this path I've chosen to accept is laid for me. I believe it is God inspired. I'll follow it wherever it leads, checking in with God on a regular basis, all day long every day.

Part of me struggles to rejoice in light of the tragedy at the DC Navy Yard. I pray for the victims' families. My heart tells me the victims are safely in God's hands.

There are only two choices: Trust God or not.

I choose to trust God. It isn't always easy. God is strong enough for me to lean harder.

I may ask, "Why?" if my purpose is to seek understanding not change God's will. There are some things that cannot be understood without accepting evil exists in this world.

My comfort is in knowing God is in control.

I derive great comfort from my sister's question: If God heals us the moment He touches us, does it really matter if we are broken? The brokenness is only a small moment in the Eternities. Perhaps the most difficult thing of all is hanging on when all appears lost and accepting that God's plan to save frequently does not come easy or swift or in a way we expect.

Building trust is like building any other muscle; you must tear it down a little in order for it to come back stronger. Keeping holding to trust in God. He is ever faithful.

Introspection...

I'm reading Tara Taylor Quinn's latest, The Truth About Comfort Cove. It's the third in the trilogy.

Whenever I read a TTQ book, I know it will take me longer than any other book of a similar length. I find myself stopping and thinking. Sometimes I have to put the book down and do a gut check for a few hours or even overnight.

When I started reading romance novels again, over 10 years ago, I approached it differently than I did when I first started reading them 25 years ago. The first time, I simply read whatever came my way. Some of it I liked, and some of it I hated. I figured it was a hit and miss kind of endeavor.

Ten years ago, my dearest friend offered to share one of her favorite authors with me. I enjoyed the book, and she sent me another by Diane Gaston. I was hooked. For the first time, I didn't search genre, as I always done in the past, I searched for authors. I know I've mentioned I have a very selective list.

When I started reading TTQ, it was the first time I knew I was reading an author who didn't simply write abuse survivors well, she knew. She graciously replied to several of my emails.

In this recent book, I realized it has been years since a man talked to me with any interest in wanting to know more about me, with the possibility of developing a relationship. To say I can be a bit off-putting would be a humungous understatement. I don't push away on purpose so much as habit.

Then her heroine explains that she likes men fine. She respects those she works with and with whom she has a professional relationship, like her accountant. Finally, she admits it's in her personal life she doesn't trust men.

I sat with it for a while.

I don't trust me.

I was taught to be subservient, to fawn, to do whatever I needed to do to please him no matter how much it cost me. I was worthless, so it shouldn't matter.

Some part of me never stopped believing I was worth more than I'd been lead to believe.

I know, now, I'm of worth, but I don't trust myself to hold to it when a man who captures my interest steps into my sphere. So I maintain a safe distance. I don't know how to change it.

The unseen hazards...

When I decided to start living boldly I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew there would be struggles in overcoming old habits and endeavoring to find a new way.

I didn't expect to have my body rebel.

Struggling to sleep.

Unable to settle back into my healthy eating habits.

Gaining weight, despite doing the same things. Thank you cortisol. Not.

Deep breath. Breathe out.

The anxiety reminds me of the bugs under my skin feeling of too much caffeine. Chest tightening. Skin tightening on my scalp. Queasy.

What in the world was I thinking?

Despite all this, I am not giving up.

Each day is a new opportunity to try again.

Great.

Each day is a new round of gut twisting fear. Questioning my sanity. Doubting my decisions. Wondering when everything is going to blow up and crash in flames.

I'm living one day at a time.

Now is a good time for a breadcrumb.

Link to post on eReaders...

Debra Parmley presents a nice overall review of eReaders: http://debraparmley.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=22%3Aso-you-want-to-buy-your-first-ebook&Itemid=1

This is a fun interview: http://romanticnovelistsassociationblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/interview-with-paula-martin.html

Laurie Schnebly Campbell is sharing a lesson on Motivation over at Seekerville. Well worth the read: http://seekerville.blogspot.com/2012/02/mastering-motivation-by-laurie-schnebly.html

Finally, the chapter is cut down to size. I didn't anticipate how much anxiety it would cause, but it's done now, and I'm happy with the first two chapters. On to editing chapter three.

I have so much to learn.

Conferences in April, and another in June, are arranged.

I tend to be the type of person once a decision is made, then I believe in following through as soon as possible. Dawdling isn't my style...

Okay, I have to laugh at myself now. I want to color my hair. There's enough gray in my hair to be annoying. I grayed prematurely. Lucky me. Even so, I'm still sitting on the fence about WHEN to do it. Granted, expense is a serious consideration. However, I'm also honest enough to admit it isn't the only consideration. My skin is unbelievably sensitive. I've been warned it may burn. Not thrilled by the thought. Really not thrilled by the thought. A part of me worries my reaction may be... bad. I'm struggling to screw my courage to the sticking place. I don't even know what would help me work through whatever it is holding me back.

On the positive side, I've created a Pinterest board for hair styles for me, which is more than I've ever done before. A step in the positive direction. I'm also practicing with different hairstyles and makeup.

Wearing perfume is another one of those things I try to remember, but more often than not I don't. One more thing to practice.

Perhaps the stress I've been feeling is all the changes I'm making. I know I'm worth it... the truth: I'm trying to grasp the concept I'm worth it. It requires leaving behind old nicknames and images, familiarity.

Placing a trembling hand in God's, and trusting Him to lead me forward.

Merry Christmas...

The reason for the season:

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. ~ Isaiah 9:6

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

15And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

16And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.

17And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.

18And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

19But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

20And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

One baby step at a time...

I finished the revision of the synopsis. I've glanced over everything, and it looks like rough drafts are done all around.

Today, I start in on revisions. Everything will be ready to submit, next week. I'm not as nervous about it. I'm not sure if that's because I'm that confident in myself, feeling that fried, or blocking out all the fear and anxiety. It could be any of them or a combination of all of them. :-)

I've no doubt that I'm making some choices and decisions that may come back and bite me, but I'm tired of living in constant uncertainty. Do I believe in what I'm doing or don't I? Am I committed to what I'm doing? Am I willing to trust myself? Do I trust that God will be there for me, no matter what happens?

I'm endeavoring to answer all those questions with a resounding, "YES!"

Day Nineteen of NaNoWriMo...

1916 total ~ 33226 Still moving along. Today was one of those days when I wondered where the story was going to go. I fretted, and then I remembered that the goal is to put the words on the page. So, I relaxed and thought, "What comes next?" Ah. I knew what came next, but then I fretted about how I should go about it. Again, the thought came to mind, the goal is to put the words on the page, so I started to write. And as so often happens, once I started writing, the story told itself, until the next chapter was finished. I may end up doing a lot of editing, but it wouldn't be the first time, and won't be the last.

Visiting family arrived, and I wondered if it would through me off track. It did, a little, but not enough to worry overmuch.

I've arranged to chat with Kris Tualla, at the next Desert Rose meeting. We joined at the same time, several years ago. She's self-published, and is working with a publisher. She writes historical romance. Her mantra is "Norway is the new Scotland." Her heroes are Norse. She was repeatedly told that no one wants to read about heroes from Norway. She didn't fit the romance "formula." So she published her books herself. Her enthusiasm and passion are inspiring and contagious.

The future is uncertain, but only to me. God knows, and He is in control, and I'm learning to trust that assurance.

Day Eighteen of NaNoWriMo...

1681 total ~ 31310 Still hanging in there. I wasn't sure I was going to make it, today. After yesterday's declaration, I wasn't surprised, today, when I opened the email from Harlequin rejecting my manuscript. I find it so amazing that yesterday I'd reached the point where I was perfectly okay with whatever happened. I've been reading up on self-publishing and exploring other publishers and beginning to think that Harlequin might not be my best choice. I'm a little disappointed... I was rejected, after all, but I know it's for the best. I was given some helpful feedback as to their reasoning, but they weren't reasons I was willing to change in my story. I also confess that I'm scared. I feel like the door has been flung open wide to the possibilities, and I'm not used to this kind of freedom. It feels good, but it's unnerving, too. Letting go of another dream, though this time I truly feel like God has something that is better for me in store, if I'll only keep taking the next step and the next step and the next step. So, do I believe Him or don't I? I believe Him. Jesus help my unbelief.

Day Seventeen of NaNoWriMo...

1989 total ~ 29629 Each section of writing starts out like pulling teeth, painful, slow, unsure. Then some bit reveals itself, and it's like being shot out of a cannon, at least what I imagine it might be like to be shot out of cannon. Not on my bucket list, by the way. It's so amazing to watch a story unfold. Sometimes you know what's coming next, but a lot of times you don't. You're writing, and all of a sudden thinking, "Wow! I had no idea!" Or "I didn't know that about the hero/heroine!" It's difficult to describe what it's like to watch your characters struggle, and then they catch on for a moment. In time for another aspect of the trouble to unveil itself, and they must take what they've learned to tackle this new difficulty, which will help them continue to grow, until they reach the moment when they're both in the same spot at the perfect time. God has been leading me along for a very long time. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know God holds it in His capable hands. With all my heart, I believe He set me on the path I'm now traveling, and I have reached that moment when I feel confident enough in Him and myself to expect Him to protect me. Not in the way many people think, expecting Him to smooth the way and make everything better. No, God's way is not the easy way. I expect God to lift me when I fear and tremble, to help my unbelief. I trust that He will give what is needed, not what I demand, but that does not bar me from asking, remembering to add "Thy will not mine." I know His way is the only way to true peace and happiness, no matter it will be paved with tears and pain, but it is only for a little while. And He is there to weep with me. He will not abandon me, ever. I may turn my back from time to time in a childish snit, but He is always right there, waiting for me to turn back and reach for His outstretched hand, a hand that is scarred with His everlasting love for me.

Day Eight of NaNoWriMo...

1716 total ~ 13576 The book is drawing to a close. It's ever so much better than I ever thought it would be or could be. It will be ready to query in a week or two, maybe sooner. If no one wants it, I'll self-publish. I already know that the time frame might be considered a difficult sale, but it's right for the story. It's in God's hands, and I'm learning to trust Him.

Day Two of NaNoWriMo...

2209 total ~ 3926 Another day, so far so good. The story has taken a few twists and turns I didn't expect, but I'm finding I like this process. One day at a time. Trusting God isn't easy. It takes a leap of faith. God's way is not the easy way, but I know it's the only way to know true happiness. I'm so grateful to all the angels God sends into my life to help me when I'm struggling and feeling overwhelmed.

Rethinking...

I don't seem to respond well to overt pressure. The number of words I'd hoped to add is nowhere near the mark. That being said, it hasn't been unproductive. In fact, today, I realized that I'm rushing to the point of losing the story. So, I stepped back, pulled out the paper and pen, again, and fine tuned my heroine. She needed some necessary changes, because she simply wasn't right the way she was coming out on the page. There are a lot of things that fit, but there were little things niggling at me. Then I opened the document, and started at the beginning, carefully combing through the story, line by line. In the fourth paragraph, I realized that my POV was confusing, but couldn't figure out how. I've spent the last three hours fighting with it. Then it jumped out at me as if it were in glaring neon lights. One sentence in the paragraph switched from her POV to mine! Eep! A bit of rewriting, and what a difference!

New goal: Write as much as possible every day, keep track of the word count, and trust myself. And no beating up on myself.

My counselor tried to explain something I needed to work out: "There's this boss who is always criticizing the employees, telling them how bad they are, reprimanding them for every little infraction. This boss never lets up. There's always some way things could have been done better, faster, smarter. This boss even calls the employees nasty names. Why would anyone want to work for such a cruel and brutal boss? Especially when there's this other boss available. This other boss is gentle and patient. This other boss expects the employees to accept personal responsibility, but recognizes the value of each employee. This other boss encourages and acknowledges and rewards a job well done. Which boss would you rather work for?" Funnily enough, at the time I thought: I'd know how to respond under the rotten boss, but not the good boss. Then my counselor asked, "When are you going to fire the rotten boss and let the good boss take over?" I stared at him, and then blinked. Then it dawned on me that he was talking about me! I'd learned the unkind lessons so well I was still practicing them! He wanted me to learn a healthier way. Then he took it one step further: God isn't a mean boss. Jesus asks us to love God and our neighbor as ourselves. That's not the guidance of a mean boss. I'm still struggling to be a good boss to myself. It isn't easy since the old methods were beaten, literally and verbally, into me. But with Jesus as my teacher and guide, I will learn to be a good boss.

Some days...

...the thought of crawling back into bed and pulling the covers over my head seems like the best possible plan for the whole of the day. My thoughts are scattered, but the day wasn't a complete loss. I found and corrected some details in what I have written so far in book 3. Though not many words were added to the document, I spent quite a bit of time with pen and paper. This is a good day for that kind of thing. Whenever I feel stuck, going back to writing by hand seems to open the flow of creativity. It also appears that I've reach that point in my writing when I've written enough of the beginning to want to know where it's going, and the ending is starting to form. It needs to be written, and then I'll go from there.

I'm taking some emotional risks with the project, and it makes me nervous, uncertain, a little afraid. But I've promised myself to be courageous, so I'm taking the risk. All is in God's hands. I pray my awkward stumbling is used for good.

A little more each day...

More of The Project is filled in. Another chapter of book 2 is edited. And more has been added to book 3. I've also worked through some details, like the heroine's age, a few dates, and how to present them. I think chapter 1 is done, which introduces both the heroine, and the hero through the heroine's eyes. Chapter 2 is the beginning of the story from the hero's point of view.

I'm endeavoring to trust in God and His plan for me.

9/11 ~ Remember Always

Never forget.

My heart whispers that God sent angels. The God who is aware of a single fallen sparrow did not abandon His children in their hour, their moment of need. Jesus, who endured Gethsemane, the betrayal of his friends, the mock trial, the lashing, the crown of thorns, and the Cross on Calvary, suffering and dieing for the sins of the World, understands injustice, cruelty, being alone, to a depth we will never comprehend. He loved us so much He was willing to go through it all, even if it had only been required for one soul. He endured for all. No matter how alone we feel, God weeps with us, as only a Loving Father could. He understands perfectly. The purpose of life isn't to avoid pain, but to grow through the pain, closer to God, closer to the light He intends us to be to the world, living light, shining with His Love for the World.

So many souls went Home to God, and so many more have been required to continue on in this life without those precious ones. And despite the horrible evil that occurred, so many people chose good, chose courage, chose strength, chose compassion, chose love. So many people chose to be a light of hope in the darkness. Darkness does not extinguish light; light pushes away the darkness. In a darkened room, with a single candle, the only way to extinguish the light is to blow out the candle. The dark cannot overcome the light, unless we allow the light to be put out.

I choose the Light.

I choose to remember the brave men and women and children of 9/11.

I choose to honor the memory of all those who have lived and those who died endeavoring to do what's right and good.

I choose to be a better person because I know the stories of brave souls I have never met.

I will never forget.