Life and Death...

Palm Sunday.

Did you know that donkeys were a symbol of peace? Did you know that donkeys are smart and fierce? I recently read an article that explained why a donkey appears stubborn. The little critters like to think things through and decide if what you're asking is reasonable. There's a reason the rides into the Grand Canyon are on mules, a cross between a horse and a donkey. A horse will walk off the trail if you push it. A mule won't. A donkey is also often used as a guard dog for sheep. They will assess the danger and attack, if necessary.

I was often called stubborn as a mule. Thanks for the compliment.

Nothing is coincidence with God.

Friday's coming, but so is Sunday.

Jesus knew what was coming. He knew it would be painful and nearly unbearable. He didn't waver.

As a Christian, I should stubbornly follow Christ.

If I'm truly Christian, then I believe it is my responsibility to follow Jesus. I know He won't lead me astray. And yet, how often do I procrastinate or shy away when I know something will be difficult? Too often.

If I truly believe Jesus walks with me when I choose to walk in His way, then my faith demands I step forward boldly. I'm human. I fear making mistakes. Kind of silly. I'm human. I WILL make mistakes. God knew I would.

The Father allowed the sacrifice of His Beloved Son, and His Beloved Son volunteered because it was the only way to bring me Home. Jesus volunteered and persevered through to the end, including the Resurrection not because He was forced to do it but because He loves each of us THAT much.

May your day be blessed.

Life Happens...

Fortunately, God knows this and is already there. He prepares a way. What I've discovered in my own life is that God's way is rarely my way. It isn't that my plan was a bad plan. I do the best I'm able with what I have and know. God sees the complete picture.

So, why bother with creating a plan at all?

For one thing, it's a good exercise for me. It requires self-discipline, imagination, and perspective. Creating a plan requires me to consider my options, my capabilities, and perhaps more importantly what is it I want to accomplish. Often, once I think things through, what I thought I wanted wasn't.

What's more important?

I learn to trust God. When my plan blows up in my face, I must trust God to see me through the fire.

My plan, too often, is a fence to contain my world. God's plan pushes me to bloom outside my fence.

No resolutions... only gifts...

I've never cared for the sound of resolutions... they sound so... grim. Granted, they also sound determined. However, I'm changing something in my life I need to change. I don't want it to sound grim. Determined? Yes, but more. I want it to be something I look forward to because it's making my life better. So, I'm giving gifts to myself.

This year, instead of making a list for the whole year, I'm starting small.

January 1st

This month, I'm tackling my health. I'm going to cut eggs from my diet as much as possible and I'm making sleep a priority. With only two things on the list, I think I can do this.

It goes without saying (but I need to say it for me anyway) these are not the only two things on my To-Do list. However, these are two things I'm making a conscious effort to be aware of and make an effort to improve.

Here's to a New Year and new adventures.

An old dog learning new tricks...

I grew up using a little 110 camera. It was a great little camera. I learned to create compositions and frame without Photoshop. It didn't exist.

I tried a camera a little more sophisticated, a 35 mm, but didn't like the results as well. So I went back to my 110. My little camera went to Yellowstone, Thailand, and Europe.

Then I couldn't find 110 film. They stopped making it.

Using a 35 mm simply wasn't the same.

Then everything went digital. Whoa! For the most part, I quit taking photos.

My BFF bought a new camera and sent the old digital to me. Perfect! The little critter terrified me. It sat in its box for months and months and months... Yeah, you get the idea.

This year's word, instead of New Year Resolutions, is CREATE.

I determined to learn how to use the camera. With BFF's help, I figured out how to take pictures. I couldn't figure out how to download them. I put it away for a while. I'd take occasional pictures, and they would sit in my camera, all alone and unseen.

Last week, BFF offered to walk me through the download process.

Success!!

This rose was outside my window last April.

Mixed feelings...

Part of me rejoices and fearfully trembles as I step onto this path I've chosen to accept is laid for me. I believe it is God inspired. I'll follow it wherever it leads, checking in with God on a regular basis, all day long every day.

Part of me struggles to rejoice in light of the tragedy at the DC Navy Yard. I pray for the victims' families. My heart tells me the victims are safely in God's hands.

There are only two choices: Trust God or not.

I choose to trust God. It isn't always easy. God is strong enough for me to lean harder.

I may ask, "Why?" if my purpose is to seek understanding not change God's will. There are some things that cannot be understood without accepting evil exists in this world.

My comfort is in knowing God is in control.

I derive great comfort from my sister's question: If God heals us the moment He touches us, does it really matter if we are broken? The brokenness is only a small moment in the Eternities. Perhaps the most difficult thing of all is hanging on when all appears lost and accepting that God's plan to save frequently does not come easy or swift or in a way we expect.

Building trust is like building any other muscle; you must tear it down a little in order for it to come back stronger. Keeping holding to trust in God. He is ever faithful.

11 years later...

Eleven years ago, yesterday, the world changed...

I promised myself I would change.

I did.

I discovered my emotions and made friends with them.

I discovered the community of Lord of the Rings fans.

I discovered amazing new friends.

I discovered writing.

I discovered how difficult it was to stop lying, especially to myself.

What have I accomplished in 11 years?

God blessed me with guidance and gentle chastisement so I could recognize the lies in my life and stop lying.

God blessed me with amazing friends and a huge support system.

God blessed me with courage to pursue writing.

Peace with myself.

Abundant love.

Dreams realized.

Time to reflect...

There are several things going on in my life right now.

I'm about to have my first book published. Whoohoo! Exciting and scary.

I want to become physically healthier. This requires I lose more weight. I'm not an advocate of extreme anything. I'm not comfortable at my current weight. I dislike struggling with things like bending over to tie my shoes. I want to be healthy.

In order to lose weight, I have to change the way I think about my eating habits. The rules for losing weight - eat less and exercise more - are clear in my mind. Being allergic to bran requires I adapt my eating. What everyone else considers healthy isn't for me, like whole grains.

Using my food allergies as an excuse for not becoming healthy is no longer acceptable. I may have been born this way, but God has a way for me to work within the natural laws to become my best self. Hopefully, I've reached the point where I'll no longer stand in my own way.

The new adventure starts today.

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself" - Jim Rohn

A New Adventure Begins...

I had to start this post with The Background Story's post from the other day. Yes, HAD to because it touched me to the point of tears.

http://thebackgroundstory.com/2012/06/04/vol-2-ch-6-p-2/

Back to my own story. Where we left off: Fellowship of the Ring wasn't simply an eye-opening experience.

My sister wanted to see the movie. I didn't. I was afraid they would jack up the title and put a whole new story underneath it. I'd seen previous attempts, and was disappointed. My sister bribed me into going by paying for my ticket. Free movie? Deal.

Even so, I was nervous and unenthusiastic. I couldn't shake the feeling I would be wasting my time. Worse? I would regret agreeing to attended.

I settled in, prepared to hate the movie.

The opening was pretty impressive, but seemed to be affirming my fears. It had been years since the last time I'd read the book. I hadn't read it again because I hated having no one with whom to share it. I couldn't share it with my siblings because I was the dummy of the family. Yes, I know that isn't true. Now. I believed it at the time.

Then there was the opening shot of the Shire. Breathtaking. And there was Frodo. He'd always been my favorite, the one with whom I identified the most. I hadn't examined closely why this was so.

There was Gandalf, the wizard by whom I judged all other wizards.

Bag End: I used to draw my own pictures of Bag End; Bilbo's hobbit hole.

It was all exactly as I had pictured it in my mind. Tolkien's skill with words is such that he is able to convey general ideas with such detail anyone is able to visualize his world because he draws on broad ideas, such that a person is able to draw on their own memories of a similar place. There, on a giant screen, was the Shire, exactly as I remembered it.

The fireworks at the Long Expected Party startled me, exactly like real fireworks would. It was the first time in the movie I was "scared" and enjoyed it. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to be surprised again.

My awe grew as I scrabbled for what I could remember of the story and found unexpected connections, again and again. The characters were very much as I had envisioned them.

Then there was the first appearance of a Black Rider. This time I was scared because it was frightening, but again it was a fear I relished and wanted again.

There were things I knew weren't in the book, but I was willing to go along with the storyteller, Peter Jackson, the director. He'd earned that much of my trust.

More details of the story were flooding back.

One of my vivid memories of the book was of a rushing water with horses and riders formed by the frothing river. I kept thinking there was no way they'd be able to depict that scene to my satisfaction. Hope flickered. A part of me wanted Jackson to succeed, but a larger part wasn't sure it was possible.

Then it was there. Filling the screen.

I hissed, "Yes!" And felt tears fill my eyes. I stopped looking to be disappointed, and drank in the story. It was only the first third. I wanted more. I was eager for more. I went back 33 more times to see this installment in the theater.

What was different about me as I walked out of the theater? I usually kept quiet. I could not shut up. I babbled about the story, the special effects, the things I didn't expect and the things I did, the amazement at how much had been included from the book, and on and on and on.

What was the most significant thing? What was life changing?

I had experienced every possible emotion from fear to joy, laughter to tears, anticipation, hesitation, love and hate, uncertainty, triumph, everything from one end of the scale to the other, and relished every single minute. I wanted more. Instead of shying from all those emotions, I embraced them full-bore. I wanted it all. Emotions that had been shut off for as long as I can remember were turned on, and I was ready and willing to experience them all. I discovered I could feel them all and not be destroyed or out of control. Emotions added variety to life, depth and richness and vibrance.

My life had been flat. Suddenly it wasn't, and I never wanted to go back.

The unseen hazards...

When I decided to start living boldly I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew there would be struggles in overcoming old habits and endeavoring to find a new way.

I didn't expect to have my body rebel.

Struggling to sleep.

Unable to settle back into my healthy eating habits.

Gaining weight, despite doing the same things. Thank you cortisol. Not.

Deep breath. Breathe out.

The anxiety reminds me of the bugs under my skin feeling of too much caffeine. Chest tightening. Skin tightening on my scalp. Queasy.

What in the world was I thinking?

Despite all this, I am not giving up.

Each day is a new opportunity to try again.

Great.

Each day is a new round of gut twisting fear. Questioning my sanity. Doubting my decisions. Wondering when everything is going to blow up and crash in flames.

I'm living one day at a time.

Now is a good time for a breadcrumb.

Chocolate Affaire...

Today, I attended the Glendale Chocolate Affaire with my sister. We do a lot of fun things together, and I look forward to doing this one again.

I attended Deena Remiel's workshop on self-promotion. She is amazing!

Jimmy Thomas, the model and owner of Romance Novel Covers.com, was also there to take pictures with anyone who wanted one. A truly gorgeous man, from the inside out.

What did I learn?

I am more terrified than I ever imagined.

More questions than I could possibly answer have flown through my mind.

From birth, I was taught I was worthless. I'm struggling to unlearn the brutal lessons. Some days, I do well. Other days, I slip into the old beliefs.

The one time I always feel right with God is when I'm writing, so I'm going to post this (me admitting being Christian isn't easy), and delve into today's assignment for myself (me clinging to hope).

Back in the saddle, so to speak...

Great article by Vijaya Schartz http://arizonaauthors.blogspot.com/2012/01/writing-novella-should-be-easier-or-is.html

There are other great posts to read. Do check them out.

My cold is lingering, and will for a few days, yet. I was stuck on editing the same two chapters for three days, too brainless to move any further. However, today was much better. What a blessing. I'm a little behind on my self-imposed deadline, but not too bad. Live and learn.

There's a lot to learn about balance and deadlines and editing and keeping in touch with friends. I'll figure it out.

Another post to share...

Anne Gracie has a new release out this month, Bride By Mistake. As such, she's doing a blog tour. Today, she's at Word Wenches.

There are so many great blogs out there. I can't remember ever being as busy as I am now.

More work was completed on various aspects of settling into my new path.

Sharing a blog and progress...

I've spent the past week endeavoring to work out my bio. It isn't that hard, but I'm struggling. Asking me about my writing, and I'll talk your ear off. Ask me about myself, and clam comes to mind, until I feel comfortable, and then I'm a babbling brook. Fortunately, I have a passel of friends who are willing to give me input and feedback. Bless them.

Over at the Lower North Shore blog, Anne Gracie shared an article titled Just Start. She has some wonderful ideas for those thinking about writing a book. I use them myself.