Independence Day...

May God bless us with courage to stand for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

May God bless those who choose to fight for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

May God bless the families of those who gave all in the defense of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

(Photo from a free share site)

11 years later...

Eleven years ago, yesterday, the world changed...

I promised myself I would change.

I did.

I discovered my emotions and made friends with them.

I discovered the community of Lord of the Rings fans.

I discovered amazing new friends.

I discovered writing.

I discovered how difficult it was to stop lying, especially to myself.

What have I accomplished in 11 years?

God blessed me with guidance and gentle chastisement so I could recognize the lies in my life and stop lying.

God blessed me with amazing friends and a huge support system.

God blessed me with courage to pursue writing.

Peace with myself.

Abundant love.

Dreams realized.

God bless his family...

Rest in Peace Jeffrey Zaslow, killed in a car accident, today.

http://news.yahoo.com/detroit-area-author-zaslow-killed-car-accident-003711889.html

I had heard the news earlier, today, but didn't appreciate the implication until I read the article for myself. He was the co-author of The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. It was a life changing book. I wanted to live more like Randy. I was able to pull the book off my shelf, where I keep it in easy reach, and where I see it every day, next to my book The Warrior Elite by Dick Couch. I see them every day, as I work, reminding me to be brave and live life to the fullest.

A little about me: Being brave is actually something I'm pretty good at doing. I remember taking a self-improvement class in college, and one of the books assigned was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I did, on a regular basis. Even so, I've lived in fear my whole life. There are so many things I've done in my life, most of which were accompanied by gut-wrenching fear. What if something went wrong? What if I failed? What if I was wrong?

I've been beaten down often enough to accept failure with a certain measure of grace. In truth, it felt like a normal state of affairs. To be honest, I've been more afraid of success.

These are habits I'm endeavoring to break. Not easy. Anything worth having or doing is worth working for, every day. Thank God, He has blessed me with friends who are supportive, and He brings books into my life with the message I need to hear at the right moment.

Sorting my thoughts....

I find myself in a difficult position. Finances are tight. I've been told about job opportunities in my old career. It would mean I'd have an income immediately, but it also means I wouldn't spend as much time on my current career. I worry about money, especially with what I have dwindling. It's a practical concern. The story about the drowning victim complaining God didn't save him, and God replying, "I sent you a log, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?" Am I drowning and ignoring the log, the boat, and the helicopter? Or am I being asked, "Are you going to give up what you want most for what you can have right now?"

Why didn't I see this before? Maybe I should ask, "Why didn't I believe this before?"

Right now, it is not a good time for me to take on something new. I'm feeling swamped as it is. Why don't I trust that when I'm ready God will provide what I need?

My decision made, my desire to binge has stopped.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Oh.

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come unto me, ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly of heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

There are days...

...this is one of them.

Nothing will be done, except I managed to pick up and start PTBW, and I mean START, as in the first paragraph or two. Lots more work to do. Not today.

Scratchy throat. Sinus headache, but at least I can breathe through my nose. Thank you Breathe Easy and Gypsy Cold Care.

Calling it a day, early. No point in beating myself up over it, either.

Tried to edit. Mistake. Really. It's gibberish.

I'll start over, tomorrow.

Tribute to Penny Jordan...

Penny Jordan was a romance writer for Harlequin. She past away recently, from cancer. She was only 65 years old. This is the article at The Washington Post.

Why do I mention her, now?

As I was sorting through papers, I unearthed my magazine "Simply Books," put out by Harlequin. This was the most recent issue, Oct 2011-Jan 2012 issue.

A regular feature, which is always printed at the end, is a one-page question and answer article that spotlights a different author in every issue. It's appropriately called, "The Last Word." Poignantly, this one was "The Last Word with Penny Jordan."

When I saw it, my first thought was that it was incredible timing. Perhaps they knew, and planned accordingly. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. What was important to me was that this interview took place before Oct, in order to be ready for print in the magazine. It was fun to learn her favorite flower was lavender, since I love it, too. I especially like it's healing and calming properties. But that still wasn't what made me catch my breath.

"How many books have you written? I think it's about 185--I can't wait to reach number 200." If you read the article, you saw she reached her goal. Amazing.

I don't think I'll ever write that many. Writing 200 books isn't my goal.

What is my goal?

Once I re-evaluated my life, my goal was to throw myself into my writing. I did.

Then my goal was to submit my completed manuscript for publication. I did.

Now, I want to keep writing, with all it entails.

What do I want for the future? I have several ideas, and writing will be a part of all of them. I have my writing schedule for the next year taped to the wall, where I'm able to see it a glance, reminding me where I'm headed. Right now, I'm learning a routine. Once the routine is established, I'll re-evaluate.

What a priceless gift to inspire another to reach higher. Thank you, Penny Jordan.

Rethinking...

I don't seem to respond well to overt pressure. The number of words I'd hoped to add is nowhere near the mark. That being said, it hasn't been unproductive. In fact, today, I realized that I'm rushing to the point of losing the story. So, I stepped back, pulled out the paper and pen, again, and fine tuned my heroine. She needed some necessary changes, because she simply wasn't right the way she was coming out on the page. There are a lot of things that fit, but there were little things niggling at me. Then I opened the document, and started at the beginning, carefully combing through the story, line by line. In the fourth paragraph, I realized that my POV was confusing, but couldn't figure out how. I've spent the last three hours fighting with it. Then it jumped out at me as if it were in glaring neon lights. One sentence in the paragraph switched from her POV to mine! Eep! A bit of rewriting, and what a difference!

New goal: Write as much as possible every day, keep track of the word count, and trust myself. And no beating up on myself.

My counselor tried to explain something I needed to work out: "There's this boss who is always criticizing the employees, telling them how bad they are, reprimanding them for every little infraction. This boss never lets up. There's always some way things could have been done better, faster, smarter. This boss even calls the employees nasty names. Why would anyone want to work for such a cruel and brutal boss? Especially when there's this other boss available. This other boss is gentle and patient. This other boss expects the employees to accept personal responsibility, but recognizes the value of each employee. This other boss encourages and acknowledges and rewards a job well done. Which boss would you rather work for?" Funnily enough, at the time I thought: I'd know how to respond under the rotten boss, but not the good boss. Then my counselor asked, "When are you going to fire the rotten boss and let the good boss take over?" I stared at him, and then blinked. Then it dawned on me that he was talking about me! I'd learned the unkind lessons so well I was still practicing them! He wanted me to learn a healthier way. Then he took it one step further: God isn't a mean boss. Jesus asks us to love God and our neighbor as ourselves. That's not the guidance of a mean boss. I'm still struggling to be a good boss to myself. It isn't easy since the old methods were beaten, literally and verbally, into me. But with Jesus as my teacher and guide, I will learn to be a good boss.

Amazing God breeze...

I've been fretting about the lack of progress on my current WIP. Last night, my sister popped in. I told her about what I was working with, and blessedly she pointed out a problem I hadn't even imagined. More re-writing. What a blessing that I hadn't done more! Or I'd be correcting even more. Thank You, God.

There's a lot on my plate, for the next week. Today, I found out my PTBW will be "suspended" for a week, as my client goes on vacation. Another unexpected blessing.

Do Not Forget to Breathe...

I had one of my manuscripts critiqued. It was very encouraging, and wonderfully precise in what I needed to change and improve. I'm still debating if I want to use my real name or my pseudo for publishing. Not really important, at this time; something else to think about besides the work ahead of me. I'm doing another re-write, changing plots, names, goals... it's barely the same story I started out with, and I mean barely! The original had some great ideas, but I had so much yet to learn. Now, I'm using what I learned. I've discovered that I need an outline when I write. I need to know where I'm going. Is it balanced? What will be the darkest moment? What, precisely, are their goals, separately and together? I've also discovered that this basic stuff has to be done by hand. But when I start actually writing scenes, it needs to be in the computer. I could easily be overwhelmed. Consider this: My PTBW (which doesn't actually pay-the-bills anymore, but something is better than nothing) didn't have anything for me, today. What this meant to me: I've had all day to work on the advice I was given, and did. Life is an adventure.

Life is an adventure...

...and it's been a bit more adventurous than usual of late. PTBW has taken an unexpected turn. Where I'm headed, now, I do not know. I am taking it one day at a time. Everything, ultimately, is in God's capable Hands. I'm endeavoring to trust Him. In truth, I should have known this was coming.

My Christmas Gifts to myself, this coming year:
1. Physical Health
~more fresh foods
~fewer frozen dinners
~walk/move 30 minutes 5x a week
2. Writing
~finish the self-help book
~publish
~finish two novels (this isn't as spectacular as it sounds, since I have a completed manuscript that needs editing and a dozen other stories in varying stages of completeness)
3. God's Plan
~endeavor to trust and follow Him
4. Forgive myself
5. End negative tapes
~replace with counting my blessings
6. Continue Just-Because-It's Tuesday Presents
7. Use food storage.

So far, so good. I knew I was setting myself up for a bumpy ride with #3, but it's a non-negotiable. The only way to affect positive change is to allow God in, as all good things come from God.

Happy New Year!

Time to review the past year, reflecting on what was accomplished, and consider my plans for the coming year. Then, remind myself that God plans are always better than mine, and turn my life over to Him.

Maddening...

I update the security on my computer, just as I ought, and suddenly it kicks me off the internet every time I go to a new site. Bah! Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how things are working, my computer is my lifeline to friends far away and research that would be impossible to do without it. Please, God, bless my computer; my friends are reached here and my work is held hostage... held safely here. :-)

Houston, we have a problem....

As I worked on my WIP, today, I learned something disconcerting. I finished an emotional scene, and was writing a relaxed scene, only to feel like it was dragging. It dawned on me that there has been no conflict between my hero and heroine. None. Eureka! Aha! The proverbial light bulb! Oh, no! I hate conflict. I like my hero and heroine. Maybe they're a little too perfect. Well, now what? I quietly put the thought on the back burner. At least, that was the plan, except that with my new determination to move forward that is no longer an option. Standing still opens the door to the risk of being run over by Life. Best to keep moving. So, I've spent the day mulling over possibilities. I haven't actually created a solid plan, yet, but I'm not allowing it to hold me back either. It might be time to ask them, again, "What's next?"

It isn't easy turning one's life over to God. It's quite frightening. He does not see this Life as we do. I see this moment, a coming together of all the past moments, and struggle to hope for the future. However, God sees it all, past, present, future, all at once. This whole life thing isn't about Him testing me. He already knows. I call this the Abraham/Isaac principle. God knew what Abraham and Isaac would do, when asked to make that horrible sacrifice. Abraham and Isaac needed to know what they would do. God knows what I will do. He knows me from the beginning. I have forgotten. I need to remember. Life is about remembering who we are.