Struggling with God...

I remember watching a movie, years ago, on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network). A  young wife was in the hospital. Her husband was visiting her, along with their priest, and she was struggling in her relationship with God.

Her parents were emotionally distant and judgmental.

I've forgotten the exact words, but not the message. The priest (writer) said something I've never forgotten: "Don't attribute character traits to God that belong to your parents. God is not hateful or unforgiving."

As an abuse survivor, it's a struggle to remember God loves me.

Yesterday, I landed in the past.

When I was a little girl, my father thought it would be funny to throw a grasshopper in the tub with me. It landed on my belly. I failed to see the humor. I was terrified. It wasn't small; it was large and bright green. I've had grasshoppers attempt to catch a ride on my clothes on other occasions, so I was already afraid. This shot my fear rocketing through the roof. Almost 50 years later, and I'm still afraid of hoppy things, grasshoppers and crickets. That old terror is almost as fresh as the day it happened.

Fast forward to yesterday. I noticed a grasshopper in my shoe. The shoe I was about slide onto my foot. It hopped to the other shoe. I intended to slide the shoe out the door. The stupid critter jumped onto a box by my shoes. I attempted to smack it with my shoe. I don't know if I hit it or not. I only know I didn't see it anymore. I vacuumed, hoping the miserable beastie disappeared into the machine.

No, I don't believe my dad put the grasshopper in my shoe.

Here was the struggle: God could have removed that grasshopper from my shoes without me ever knowing it was there. A part of me felt like God had played the same dirty trick my father had.

I was given a choice: Trust God loves me or not. Believe God isn't mindful of me or He is.

My belief in God and His plan for me has been a saving grace throughout my life.

Was I questioning that belief? Could something so small sway me from my faith? What kind of faith is so easily destroyed? If it's cast aside with such ease, is it true faith?

I still don't know what happened to the grasshopper.

My faith was renewed.

God is mindful of me.

The grasshopper didn't actually jump on me. In fact, it jumped away. However, it had trespassed into my room. It violated a healthy boundary. It refused to go on its own, so I took the only avenue open.

I didn't have to see it squished. Something else I don't like.

God is aware of me.

Life is full of creepy crawlies. It is also full of roses and chocolate. On which am I going to focus my attention?

The grasshopper did not ruin the rest of my day, only the moments when I was endeavoring to rid myself of it.

Isn't life kind of like that?

Unpleasant things happen. We can let them ruin our whole day, or we can face them in the moment and move on to enjoy what comes next.

The unseen hazards...

When I decided to start living boldly I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew there would be struggles in overcoming old habits and endeavoring to find a new way.

I didn't expect to have my body rebel.

Struggling to sleep.

Unable to settle back into my healthy eating habits.

Gaining weight, despite doing the same things. Thank you cortisol. Not.

Deep breath. Breathe out.

The anxiety reminds me of the bugs under my skin feeling of too much caffeine. Chest tightening. Skin tightening on my scalp. Queasy.

What in the world was I thinking?

Despite all this, I am not giving up.

Each day is a new opportunity to try again.

Great.

Each day is a new round of gut twisting fear. Questioning my sanity. Doubting my decisions. Wondering when everything is going to blow up and crash in flames.

I'm living one day at a time.

Now is a good time for a breadcrumb.

I want to be bold...

As I explore who I am, who I'm willing to be...

Interesting. Hadn't thought of it quite that way before.

Does it really matter who you are? If you're unwilling to be that person?

I've spent my whole life trying to fit a mythical role. From time to time (more often than I care to think about), I slip back into the habit. It's familiar. It's easy.

Choosing the easy way was a habit, because my inner life was anything but easy.

An abuse survivor's inner world is a mass of chaos and turmoil.

This has me reviewing my early admonitions: Stop lying, especially to yourself.

Oh.

As I've struggled to become comfortable with myself, the professional writer, it has mostly been about being honest with myself. When I first created my author's blog/web presence, I felt a tug-o-war with wanting to be who I've fought so hard to be, myself, and yet knowing I needed to create a brand and please a publisher.

The more I become acquainted with Desert Breeze Publishing, the more blessed I feel to have found a company where I feel I belong as an author. I've been working with my editor, and I'm grateful for her. She is bringing out the best in me, or at least I want to be my best. I'm working on it. There's so much to learn.

I've been making some changes the last few weeks, ever since the writers' conference.

Looking back, I'm able to see I'm endeavoring to be bolder.

Being bold is a trait quashed first thing in every abuse survivor. Predators loath boldness in their victims, which is why they have to crush it. It may present a challenge to some, but the end-game is to destroy it.

"Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear." ~ Thomas Jefferson

To question with boldness, one must also live with boldness.

Desert Dreams Writers' Conference 2012... reason #26

Arizona is gorgeous in April. Not so much later than April, at least until you reach around October.

http://www.desertroserwa.org

Found a new author to add to my Must-Read list: Anne Elizabeth. Her motto: "Passion is the breath of life. Live boldly!" Her advice: "Look inside, find the message that is yours to share, and give it to the world."

I've had better days. This is not one of them. The anxiety level is incredibly high, with no precise trigger, at least not one I can identify, yet. It could be worse. I know this, too. Today is going to be a take a deep breath, and take a step, and pray I don't fall into a hole. Okay, at least now I've laughed at myself. A good start.

Link to post on eReaders...

Debra Parmley presents a nice overall review of eReaders: http://debraparmley.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=22%3Aso-you-want-to-buy-your-first-ebook&Itemid=1

This is a fun interview: http://romanticnovelistsassociationblog.blogspot.com/2012/02/interview-with-paula-martin.html

Laurie Schnebly Campbell is sharing a lesson on Motivation over at Seekerville. Well worth the read: http://seekerville.blogspot.com/2012/02/mastering-motivation-by-laurie-schnebly.html

Finally, the chapter is cut down to size. I didn't anticipate how much anxiety it would cause, but it's done now, and I'm happy with the first two chapters. On to editing chapter three.

I have so much to learn.

Conferences in April, and another in June, are arranged.

I tend to be the type of person once a decision is made, then I believe in following through as soon as possible. Dawdling isn't my style...

Okay, I have to laugh at myself now. I want to color my hair. There's enough gray in my hair to be annoying. I grayed prematurely. Lucky me. Even so, I'm still sitting on the fence about WHEN to do it. Granted, expense is a serious consideration. However, I'm also honest enough to admit it isn't the only consideration. My skin is unbelievably sensitive. I've been warned it may burn. Not thrilled by the thought. Really not thrilled by the thought. A part of me worries my reaction may be... bad. I'm struggling to screw my courage to the sticking place. I don't even know what would help me work through whatever it is holding me back.

On the positive side, I've created a Pinterest board for hair styles for me, which is more than I've ever done before. A step in the positive direction. I'm also practicing with different hairstyles and makeup.

Wearing perfume is another one of those things I try to remember, but more often than not I don't. One more thing to practice.

Perhaps the stress I've been feeling is all the changes I'm making. I know I'm worth it... the truth: I'm trying to grasp the concept I'm worth it. It requires leaving behind old nicknames and images, familiarity.

Placing a trembling hand in God's, and trusting Him to lead me forward.

God bless his family...

Rest in Peace Jeffrey Zaslow, killed in a car accident, today.

http://news.yahoo.com/detroit-area-author-zaslow-killed-car-accident-003711889.html

I had heard the news earlier, today, but didn't appreciate the implication until I read the article for myself. He was the co-author of The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. It was a life changing book. I wanted to live more like Randy. I was able to pull the book off my shelf, where I keep it in easy reach, and where I see it every day, next to my book The Warrior Elite by Dick Couch. I see them every day, as I work, reminding me to be brave and live life to the fullest.

A little about me: Being brave is actually something I'm pretty good at doing. I remember taking a self-improvement class in college, and one of the books assigned was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I did, on a regular basis. Even so, I've lived in fear my whole life. There are so many things I've done in my life, most of which were accompanied by gut-wrenching fear. What if something went wrong? What if I failed? What if I was wrong?

I've been beaten down often enough to accept failure with a certain measure of grace. In truth, it felt like a normal state of affairs. To be honest, I've been more afraid of success.

These are habits I'm endeavoring to break. Not easy. Anything worth having or doing is worth working for, every day. Thank God, He has blessed me with friends who are supportive, and He brings books into my life with the message I need to hear at the right moment.