Preparing for Easter

Easter is a time of renewal. Jesus changed everything. 

As an abuse survivor, including my mother's scapegoat for years, I've spent most of my life in survival mode. I'm not sure I really know how to live any other way. 

First, I have to believe that God never intended me to live in survival mode my whole life. My Heavenly Father provided His Beloved Son as a sacrificial price for my sins, pain, illnesses, weaknesses. 

In 2021, my father became ill and shared it, unintentionally, with me. Having read and heard about the nature of the disease, I didn't expect to survive. I was older, extremely overweight, struggled with kidney trouble my whole life as well as digestive problems that required hospitalization and a special diet. I wasn't afraid to die. I welcomed the promise of peace at last. God had other plans. 

It took months to recover with a few side effects still unresolved, years later. 

Reading a friend's post on social media, I realized the illness threw me back into full blown survival mode. The gradual improvement of my health hasn't reduced survival mode.

I'm acknowledging my inability to find peace and health on my own and surrendering everything to God.

Happy New Year!

Congratulations! You made it through 2022. I wouldn't have made it without God. I'll not wish you a safe new year; this world is many things, but safe is not one of them. We didn't come to earth to be safe; we came to be tested. It's expected we'll fail, often. God doesn't hold that against us; it is why He provided a Savior to rescue us from our own folly. 

Will you step into this new year in fear or faith? The choice is yours.

And be gentle with yourself; doubt and fear are opportunities for faith to grow.

New Year's Eve

God Knows (The Gate of the Year)  

by Minnie Louise Haskins (1875-1957)

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”
So I went forth, and finding the Hand of God, trod gladly into the night.
And He led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone East.

https://splashschools.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Resource-sheet_God-Knows-poem.pdf 

Worth reading the rest of the poem.

And sometimes, someone shares exactly what you need, like For Jesus First Loved Us:

https://forjesusfirstlovedme.wordpress.com/2022/12/30/leave-the-decor-up-one-more-day/

Merry Christmas

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: 

and the government shall be upon his shoulder: 

and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, 

The mighty God, The everlasting Father, 

The Prince of Peace.” 

Isaiah 9:6

Tuesday Tidbit

The world is in an uproar, panicking, losing its head.

Some perspective, in America:

More people have died from suicide.

More people have died from drug overdoses.

More people have died in car accidents.

This isn't to mitigate the very real health risks, especially to those vulnerable. I list those things to remind myself that life holds no guarantees. For the family who lost a member to a drug overdose or suicide or accident or other disease or a tornado or other disaster, the current health crisis is no worse. Perspective.

I've often said that I live in fear. I hate that about myself. This gave me an opportunity for introspection with new input. I'm not afraid.

Yes, it's close to home. I have family in Hong Kong. I have family with weakened immune systems, including me. I have numerous family members in the "red zone" population, including my father who's over 90.

I'm not so foolish as to believe bad things couldn't happen to me. I know better, compliments of brutal lessons. That saying about "stop worrying because most of the things you worry about will never happen," is not true for me. I don't worry about the things that probably won't happen; I worry about bad things that have happened happening again.

I examine my life and remember going to work in Yellowstone alone. It was great. I went on a mission to Thailand. It separated my life: Before my mission and after my mission.

Then I had the opportunity to go to Europe, alone. This was a life-changing milestone for me.

A few days before I flew to England, the USA bombed Libya. I had a choice to make: Do I stay or do I go? I chose to go.

I prayed and boarded the flight to JFK. An airport employee gathered those deplaning from different flights and guided us to the international terminal, little ducklings following their mother outside, across a road, into another building, where she left us to fend for ourselves. I found my connecting flight to Heathrow.

Boarding the TWA flight, the flight attendants were on strike, so flight attendants from other airline companies were filling in. They were pretty laid back. We were on a jumbo jet, all 13 passengers. The flight attendants suggested we sit in the middle section. "You can each have your own row of seats and will still have rows leftover." One attendant knelt in a seat up front and said, "I know why I'm here, but why are you flying?"

Several couples were English and returning home. One woman, with her children, was traveling to Germany to join her military husband. Then they came to me.

"This may be my only chance to go. If it's my time to die, I'll die no matter where I am. I might as well be doing what I want to do."

I booked a bus tour to Scotland. It was unforgettable.

And Chernobyl blew. I watched the projected radiation cloud float over France. France was so close. I realized how silly it was to be so close and not go, so I made plans. I went.

I've never regretted any of it. Not a minute.

Coming home, life changed. I settled down. Working for the airline, I'd visit San Diego for the day. Okay, I'd fly to San Diego, take the bus, with one change, and spend the day in Sea World. I drove to Yellowstone, twice, with my dog. I told her we couldn't do it a third time, unless she helped me drive. That was out, so we took shorter trips, the two of us.

Life changed again. My college education cost more than it paid. I spent the last of my savings on medical transcribing classes, via the mail. It was steady work.

I acquired a horse. He lived for five years, under my care, five years longer than expected. What an adventure.

Life changed again. 9/11 happened and "Lord of the Rings" came out. I discovered the internet and the LOTR Fan Club. I made friends.

When the second movie, "The Two Towers," was set to release, Howard Shore, the man who wrote the movie score, gave a lecture in L.A. The lecture would be followed by the premier showing of the movie. I expressed my interest in attending. One of my online friends suggested I fly on over. I did. Someone I'd never met before picked me up at the airport. Funnily enough, we recognized each other immediately. We've been dear friends ever since. For several years, I'd fly over for a weekend about twice a year, for LOTR related events, like reading day and even the LOTR Symphony concert. It was during those visits when I learned to love the ocean.

I've flown to Texas, with another LOTR friend from Oregon. She met me, for the first time, in Phoenix, for her connecting flight. We shared a cabin and enjoyed the company of other LOTR friends, we'd never met before.

My trips to Kentucky are with more LOTR friends that I met first online.

My trip to Atlanta included a visit with friends not related to LOTR that I've met online.

Then there's the whole being a published author thing.

Fear may play a daily role in my life (a larger role than I would prefer), but it doesn't control my life. I made that decision a long time ago. I try to not do anything too stupid. I thought I allowed fear to make my decisions for me, but all I have to do is take an honest look at my life. I have made some fear-based decisions. I'm not perfect. I've made a lot of good -- awesome -- decisions in spite of the fear.

I've worked hard, all my life, to not allow fear to control me. I'm not changing that now. Life happens. I'm going to keep working to live happy and involved in the world.

I can't choose what happens to me in this world. God has given me the power to choose how I respond to whatever happens to me.

I will not live in fear.

Musical Thursday

My precious great niece, Emma, entered the world, yesterday. Ten minutes later, she returned home to God. For those who believe Love doesn't Hurt, you are wrong. Love is not abusive. Love is devastating, powerful, vulnerable, joyous, sorrowful, humbling, consuming, giving, unique, beautiful, painful, angry, fearful, faithful, asks for and gives forgiveness, responsible, accountable, courageous, honorable... Love is Everything. How could it be anything less? God is Everything. God is Love.

Laura Story's "Blessings"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc

Casting Crowns' "Oh My Soul"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjNZf878ISQ

Encouragement

Praising God in the storm

The dog I dogsit had cancer. Last Thursday, she wasn't doing well. I keep thinking of Kipling's poem about never giving your heart to a dog to tear. I hesitated to give my heart to this precious creature, but how could I resist? She's a sweet, gentle soul. She taught me about unconditional love as only animals do. I've no regrets, except maybe I wish I'd given my heart sooner.

I woke Friday morning knowing my fur-baby greeted her on the other side.

Thank God for dogs. I hope the next fur-baby isn't too long in coming.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Beholding Him Ministries has been sharing Moses’ story and The Great I Am. As I read, the thought below grabbed hold of me. I thought about how God is a jealous God and does not relinquish what He has claimed as His own. He is willing to battle, even unto death and resurrection, to rescue His children and did. He is the ultimate warrior, fighting for each and every soul, including mine. He has claimed me, declaring me His, because I chose Him. My stumbling and falling, even when it’s flat on my face, doesn’t diminish His love for me, the tenderness He feels for me. He’s fierce in His determination to save me. The only thing that could separate us is me rejecting Him and battling to destroy His other children. Joining my life to His and choosing to help Him, He seals me His.

Author/artist Donna Keevers Driver provided the lovely picture, pairing it with a message that pierced my heart. It's something I need to remember, especially when I feel unworthy, and especially when I feel like I'm not enough.

Giving over to God

Yes, I was raised Christian. I've claimed the label for my own. I pray my life reflects my faith.

Having said that, I struggle with relying on God, for a number of reasons. I remind myself that they are excuses. However, defining them gives me a place to start in working through them.

As an abuse survivor, trust is a major struggle. How do I trust God when I was left in an abusive environment? Didn't He love me enough to save me?

It required a lot of years and tears to understand Jesus is more interested in saving my soul in the long term. I'm not saying the abuse was for my good. It wasn't. However, Jesus is powerful enough to overcome evil with good.

What I learned: Compassion, strength, courage. I struggled with my faith, but I also discovered my faith. While I didn't believe I trusted God, I came to understand that I trusted God bud I didn't trust me. Not trusting myself required approaching the problem in a different way.

Even as I've come to know I trust God, I struggle to give everything over to Him.

Being an abuse survivor, I need to feel in control. I'm finally accepting that me in control is not the best idea. Here's the amazing blessing: God allowed me to work through this at my own pace. He guided and offered inspiration through His Word and through amazing people who have also traveled my same journey and are willing to share their struggle.

The heart of my storytelling is the need to add my voice. My journey of faith is found within the pages of my stories. My prayer is that others find something of worth within those pages, something that strengthens them, inspires them, gives them hope.

Much of my battle to write each story is to step out of my own way and allow God to guide me.

Final stages...

Only a little more work to go and Leap of Faith Day will be ready for publishing. GodTube encouraged sharing this, and I appreciate the reminder:

What God Wants Me To Be...

This, in general, will not be new to people who know me. There may be new details but not much else. What was new to me was the bone-deep realization.

I hate it when I wake up at 1 a.m. with a massive realization, a hit the wall, epic fail, stop you in your tracks realization.

This all started because Holley Gerth in You're Already Amazing and Evan Sanders of The Better Man Project both challenged me to discover what I'm drawn to and in the end who I'm supposed to be. I've been pondering what God wants me to be. I thought I knew. I've felt like I've fallen short or missed the mark or something. I feel like I've been wandering in the dark with only flashes of enlightenment. I hit the wall. I was wrong for all my life.

Last week, I woke up on Wednesday morning, at 1 a.m. and it hit me:

I believed God wanted me to be a wife and mother. I believed with all my heart.

It's something I believed my whole life. I geared everything toward that end. I didn't give in to my boyfriends pushing to go further. With each one, we were already going further than I wanted, but I didn't know how to say 'no' without risking losing him. Except I managed to say 'no' to giving him the one thing I believed deeply only my husband should have. A couple of my boyfriends even proposed. I said, 'yes' to one. No one knew. We kept it secret. I still wouldn't give him what only a husband should have. He got cold feet temporarily, recovered, and I got cold feet permanently. I couldn't give to anyone else what I thought belonged only to the man I married because God wanted me to be a wife and mother, in that order, not the other way around.

My parents wanted me to go into engineering because that's where the money is. It set me up to fail on an epic scale. I don't just turn numbers around. I turn 6 and 9 upside down. I will say the number out loud while I write it and still write a completely different number. It's bad enough when only a single digit is involved. Do that when writing out a four or five digit number. I don't simply switch the digits; I write completely different numbers. I have to remind myself that 3 and cursive E go in opposite directions, while 5 and s really do turn the same way and the same with 2 and z. I have to remind myself that the cursive Z and 2 look similar but 2 really doesn't have a tail on it. And this is the child who wasn't given any choice but to enroll in college as an engineering major.

I found my backbone, a little bit, and changed it to home economics, but was met with opposition, so I changed it to computer engineering. I proceeded to take classes from every department at the college except automotive and art, only because it didn't occur to me to take an automotive class, and I didn't want to sketch naked people and that was a part of Art 101. I did learn to change oil, filters, windshield wipers, and tires. I also took a calligraphy class from Parks and Rec. I considered cooking and sewing to be my art. I wanted to be well rounded because I was going to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be able to encourage my children in whatever they wanted to pursue.

Over the years, I took classes in finances, accounting, psychology, sociology, English, French, Spanish, chemistry, college algebra, typing, gourmet cooking, sewing, real estate, ice skating, yoga, communication, and a variety of others. During that time, I also worked in Yellowstone for a summer, served a mission in Thailand, lived in Europe for a summer, worked at a variety of jobs, including for the airlines. By the time I graduated with my two-year degree, I was in my 30s, and I'd acquired several certificates of completion in other programs like travel agency and sign language interpreter. If I could have graduated on credit hours, I would have had a Bachelors. However, they weren't all in one program, so it was only a two-year degree.

All of it, every last thing was done with the thought in mind that I wanted to be a well-rounded wife and mother. I wanted to give to my husband and children someone who was willing to learn almost anything to become a better person, to bring as much as I could to the table to make life richer, fuller, happier.

I'm over 50 now. There is no husband. No children. All I ever wanted or dreamed about. And I wonder what God intended me to be, and how did I miss hearing the message because it wasn't what I wanted, to be a wife and mother.

I don't have enough skills in any one area to support myself in a gainful profession. It's my own fault because I focused my attention on the dream of being a good wife and mother someday instead of figuring out a way to support myself.

I'm also ashamed to say that to me they were mutually exclusive. I wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I also feared I'd miss the opportunity if I became involved in a career. I'm single-minded as a way of battling OCD and other problems with being easily distracted. I know this about myself. I understood choosing one would exclude the other in my mind. I pursued what I wanted most.

Only in the last few years have I discovered I'm also a storyteller. I have been all my life. It's really all I know.

So, if you wonder why I write romance, it's what I know.

God is Good...

Reluctant Knight's deadline was last Saturday. It's been a real struggle to write this one. I made some changes in my style. The rough draft was really, really rough. Sometimes only a thought of what the chapter should entail. The chapters are much longer, but I used some breaks that I usually rarely use. I also allowed my faith to be more prominent.

It wasn't bad enough that I need to finish a book I've been struggling with for months, but storms were promised those last few days, the worst on the 31st. Yes, I felt like forces were combining against me. If there's thunder and lightning, I turn off the computer, not conducive to finishing a book.

I've been working to learn how to be more faithful and more trusting and more grateful.

Test time.

Wednesday, the storms never materialized. Thursday, the storms dissipated before reaching me.

Friday, a storm rolled in from the east. I turned on the local weather station and would glance at it, from time to time. It also happens to be a good way to help reduce eyestrain. I watched the bank of yellow, red, and green, with lightning flashes, roll across the state. I watched it creep up to about where I live, break apart, and reform on the other side going west.

A little after five, another storm rolled up from the south. Lightning and thunder and buckets of rain. I'd reached the end of the second to last chapter, a good stopping place, for a break. I turned off the computer, ate dinner, did my physical therapy, fed the feral cats, and generally caught up on everything that needed to be done. I realized I needed to make some changes to what I'd written. The lightning and thunder moved further north and vanished by 6:30 p.m.

Another storm was scheduled to roll through round 10:00 p.m. It never showed.

I turned on the computer and wrote, with occasional breaks, finishing at 11:45 p.m., in time to report my word count at the online writing camp I joined this month, for this project. Final 7502 words added.

Done.

Thanks God. I could not do it without You.

Worth Dying For...

Jesus died for me.

I've said this all my life. I believe it, mostly.

As a survivor, I deal with things like C-PTSD, health problems, mental and emotional messes, but the struggle I worry about most is my spiritual health. The others are all survivable. Losing my spiritual health isn't.

Jesus died for everyone. He didn't make any exceptions. He never said, "I died for everyone, except Laurel." Never. He offers the gift freely to everyone, including me.

Not everyone will accept the gift. Their choice. They were given that, too. The right to choose.

Many have died for their faith. Now, in the Middle East, Christians are being crucified, beheaded, sold into slavery, because they refuse to renounce their faith.

I ask myself if I would be so brave, so steadfast. I want to believe I am. It has not been required of me.

What has been required of me is to live for my faith.

Am I willing to live for my faith?

I look at the scale and see the weight climb. Am I living for my faith?

I'm ashamed to admit I'm allowing the stress and other temporary problems in my life to reign over me, to hold more importance than my desire to live for Jesus.

I have moments, of course, when I allow my light to shine, when I choose Jesus over my weaknesses.

I'm an imperfect Christian.

I'm learning to live for Jesus. I make mistakes, and yes, Jesus gave me the gift of forgiveness, too. My Savior paved the way for me, taught the path to choose, and led by example. He provided the way to change my life, if I'll only follow.

I'm recommitting to not only being willing to die for Jesus but willingly living for Jesus.

The dawning of a new day.

What Do I Write?

Perhaps this is long overdue. I've spent a great deal of time endeavoring to find an "elevator pitch." The idea is to create something you could say to an agent or editor that would interest them in your book if you managed to hop on an elevator at the same time, such as at a convention.

I read my first romance novel when I was 19 years old. I read avidly for years, but I missed the faith aspect. Christian romances were difficult to find, at the time. To be honest, I wasn't impressed with them when I could find them.

I found a few authors I loved, Janette Oke and Elizabeth Mansfield. Mansfield didn't write Christian, but she did write clean Regency romances. As much as I enjoyed them, I had trouble identifying with the characters.

Christian romances were so...clean. I'm an abuse survivor. My life's messy.

I quit reading romances for a number of years. Picking up a romance novel after so many years was like finding an old friend. As I read, I wished there were a little more faith in God.

As I struggled to decide where I wanted to take my own stories, I drifted closer and closer to Christian romances. I knew it would be an uncomfortable fit, but less uncomfortable than attempting to cut my faith from the stories in my heart.

I checked the parameters of writing Christian romance and ran into trouble right off. Heroes and heroines are required to be honest. It's all right if they tell lies before they fully embrace Christianity and even to tell the occasional white lie if there's a good enough reason.

Among other things, abuse survivors lie. Lying is a necessary survival tool.

I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at an early age, long before the abuse ended.

I was in my 40s before I realized how much I lied.

There were the every day lies that most people tell: How are you? "Fine." Not fine at all, but I wasn't willing to explain.

Then there were the lies I didn't even know I was telling: Everything from, "If I were more patient, more understanding, less judgmental, everything would be good," to "I'm stupid," "I'm useless," "I'm not lovable." Delving into those lies unearths an endless supply.

I think denial was probably the most common lie I didn't recognize.

My lying did not exclude me from growing in faith, but it was a stumbling block.

I wanted stories that reflected the journey of abuse survivors, the fight for self, the fight for the truth, the fight to be healthy. The ultimate adventure of finding healing for self and finding someone with whom to share the quest for love of self, sweetheart, and God.

I chose to write the Christian romances I wanted to read. Being Christian isn't about a life of sweetness and nice; choosing Jesus promises hope.

The weakest flame is still stronger than the dark.

Life Changes...

I hate when I develop a sense of knowing what I'm doing and where I'm going. You'd think I'd learn by now it was a sure sign life is about to change.

I'm really not adverse to change. Change is good. Change is healthy. Change is normal. Change is inevitable.

The change I don't like is the kind that leaves me wondering what comes next, particularly when it comes without any clue as to the next step.

Sorry, but naturopathy doesn't help with this. There is no essential oil or food or exercise or anything along those lines to light the way. This is a God thing. This is a faith thing. I don't know what the future holds is true enough; I do know Who holds the future, which is also true.

So, what's the trouble?

What is the future God holds in store for me? There are no promises it will be better than what I have now. It could be worse. I'm struggling. The way appears dark and forbidding. I will slide my trembling hand into the hand of God. I won't pretend it will be easy. I won't pretend I don't continue to be afraid. I know the dark paths I've traveled. I know how ugly life can be, even when one trusts God.

I also know God will see me through. He's okay with me crying and being afraid. All He cares about is me taking the next step, no matter how terrified I am. He knows what I've been through. He understands my fear. He knows it's earned. He entreats me to step into the darkness anyway and patiently waits for me.

May you have a blessed Easter

Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane to the point He sweat blood. He was betrayed by one of his closest friends. He endured a false trial. He was stripped and beaten. Another close friend denied Him. He was nailed to a cross. He finished the torture and died. It's Friday.

On Sunday, He rose from the dead never to die again. He conquered death.

He did it all for us. Only a perfect man could take on the sins of another, and He took on the sins of us all. His flesh and soul endured the brutality. He truly understands what you're going through, to a depth we will never understand.

His sacrifice promises us He will bear everything we give to Him.

Sometimes, I'm afraid to give over my mistakes. They're too awful or too stupid or too petty.

Jesus already suffered. It's finished.

Hanging onto my mistakes does not save Him pain. Instead, it needlessly punishes me and withholds from Him the right He has claimed as His own.

Life and Death...

Palm Sunday.

Did you know that donkeys were a symbol of peace? Did you know that donkeys are smart and fierce? I recently read an article that explained why a donkey appears stubborn. The little critters like to think things through and decide if what you're asking is reasonable. There's a reason the rides into the Grand Canyon are on mules, a cross between a horse and a donkey. A horse will walk off the trail if you push it. A mule won't. A donkey is also often used as a guard dog for sheep. They will assess the danger and attack, if necessary.

I was often called stubborn as a mule. Thanks for the compliment.

Nothing is coincidence with God.

Friday's coming, but so is Sunday.

Jesus knew what was coming. He knew it would be painful and nearly unbearable. He didn't waver.

As a Christian, I should stubbornly follow Christ.

If I'm truly Christian, then I believe it is my responsibility to follow Jesus. I know He won't lead me astray. And yet, how often do I procrastinate or shy away when I know something will be difficult? Too often.

If I truly believe Jesus walks with me when I choose to walk in His way, then my faith demands I step forward boldly. I'm human. I fear making mistakes. Kind of silly. I'm human. I WILL make mistakes. God knew I would.

The Father allowed the sacrifice of His Beloved Son, and His Beloved Son volunteered because it was the only way to bring me Home. Jesus volunteered and persevered through to the end, including the Resurrection not because He was forced to do it but because He loves each of us THAT much.

May your day be blessed.

Sharing favorite quotes and...

...lines from some of my favorite Christmas stories, every day on my Facebook author page.

https://www.facebook.com/LaurelHawkes

Christ is the reason for the season.

...mas... Without Christ, there is no Christmas.

"Marley was dead: to begin with."

I'm looking for more ways to help me embrace the season. It can be tough for survivors.

I listen to Christmas music. I'm re-reading my favorite Christmas romance stories. I watch Christmas programs I enjoy. I'm adding a Christmas decoration every day. I'm working on Christmas gifts every day. I'm endeavoring to fill my mind and heart with the reason for the season.

May you be blessed.

Editing "Tarnished Knight"

Round one of edits has commenced. I shared this yesterday, on FB, from DaySpring, a Christian card company. I signed up for their Devotionals, and this showed up this week. I need the encouragement.