Back in the fray...

I worked out a bit of the timeline, and am moving forward once more. I discovered something unexpected: the villain of book 3. I knew he was there, but I didn't know who he was or how he would appear. Now, I know. In truth, I had thought it might be a her, and it's true enough that she isn't particularly pleasant, but she's small potatoes in comparison. A good bit of writing done, today.

Several other bits of writing were done as well. I'm learning so much. When I look at things in the context of what I'm able to learn from them, they take on a different appearance than I ever anticipated. I'm reminded that God's ways are not our ways.

Rethinking...

I don't seem to respond well to overt pressure. The number of words I'd hoped to add is nowhere near the mark. That being said, it hasn't been unproductive. In fact, today, I realized that I'm rushing to the point of losing the story. So, I stepped back, pulled out the paper and pen, again, and fine tuned my heroine. She needed some necessary changes, because she simply wasn't right the way she was coming out on the page. There are a lot of things that fit, but there were little things niggling at me. Then I opened the document, and started at the beginning, carefully combing through the story, line by line. In the fourth paragraph, I realized that my POV was confusing, but couldn't figure out how. I've spent the last three hours fighting with it. Then it jumped out at me as if it were in glaring neon lights. One sentence in the paragraph switched from her POV to mine! Eep! A bit of rewriting, and what a difference!

New goal: Write as much as possible every day, keep track of the word count, and trust myself. And no beating up on myself.

My counselor tried to explain something I needed to work out: "There's this boss who is always criticizing the employees, telling them how bad they are, reprimanding them for every little infraction. This boss never lets up. There's always some way things could have been done better, faster, smarter. This boss even calls the employees nasty names. Why would anyone want to work for such a cruel and brutal boss? Especially when there's this other boss available. This other boss is gentle and patient. This other boss expects the employees to accept personal responsibility, but recognizes the value of each employee. This other boss encourages and acknowledges and rewards a job well done. Which boss would you rather work for?" Funnily enough, at the time I thought: I'd know how to respond under the rotten boss, but not the good boss. Then my counselor asked, "When are you going to fire the rotten boss and let the good boss take over?" I stared at him, and then blinked. Then it dawned on me that he was talking about me! I'd learned the unkind lessons so well I was still practicing them! He wanted me to learn a healthier way. Then he took it one step further: God isn't a mean boss. Jesus asks us to love God and our neighbor as ourselves. That's not the guidance of a mean boss. I'm still struggling to be a good boss to myself. It isn't easy since the old methods were beaten, literally and verbally, into me. But with Jesus as my teacher and guide, I will learn to be a good boss.

Pleasant surprises...

I'm reaching parts of the WIP that were written at the beginning. It's always fun to reach sections of the book that seem new, simply because I haven't seen them for a while, and enjoying how neatly it dovetails into the story.

My homework was done on time, this weekend. It was fun. Laurie wanted some brainstorming done. I didn't feel it would be particularly helpful for the current story, since it's almost complete, so I delved briefly into the next book. Laurie had warned that it was difficult to stop once you started. She wasn't kidding. Like Lays potato chips: You can't eat just one.

I'm learning how to use pages on my blogs. The more I learn, the more comfortable I am with the process.

More chapters...

Five more chapters have been lightly edited, after checking for continuity. So far, so good.

At Desert Rose, I signed up, again, for the Mentor Program, only this time with the idea of serious work on the synopsis. I know how to baldly state what's happening, from chapter to chapter, but I don't know how to make it boldly state what's happening, without being boring. I paid, in advance, that way I won't chicken out later. Actually, I'm not chickening out, but I might procrastinate. Knowing that fee, small as it is, sits out there waiting to be put to use will niggle at me and keep me on task very neatly. Helps to know yourself.

Snap...

Three more chapters edited, though there really wasn't much to do. I'm keeping them as is. I've also worked on The Project, editing and exploring a possible website for it.

I am a writer.

I was reminiscing with my sister, exploring my early memories for any hint of my love for writing. I remembered writing some early horse stories. Then I remembered one of my elementary school teachers writing a paragraph on the chalkboard. This was a regular exercise. We had to use the paragraph as the start to a story. I remember the teacher looking right at me, in front of the whole class, and saying, "Let's see you make an animal story out of that! I've made sure you can't." I remember thinking, "Watch me." And I did. She seemed to hate my obsession with animals, and often took opportunities to tease me, even if it meant humiliating me. I wasn't encouraged to write stories, again, until I took creative writing in high school. My teacher wanted me to pursue it, but I was told by others that I couldn't make any money at it, so I shouldn't even consider it. Maybe I can't, but that doesn't mean the stories don't deserve to be told.

Must learn to stop fighting...

I've been struggling with chapter three of the current WIP. However, I've been busily doing another re-write of The Project. I've been berating myself for not doing better. Tonight, my sister reminded me that God will clear my thoughts for what I need to work on. Oh. So, back to The Project. I want this re-write done by the end of the month. If I'm truly going to place my life in God's hands, then I really need to pay attention to what He's telling me. I'm working on it. This is why God gives us a support system, or another way of saying it: His children, just like me, that I may call siblings or friends, but His children. And as they help me, I pray I help them.

Well, that was a bit of a surprise...

I began working on chapter two, and found myself re-writing almost the entire chapter, and it is now divided into two chapters. I'm still worrying that the hero and heroine haven't actually met yet, though they will right off in the next chapter. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'm over-thinking it... not that I'd ever do anything like that. LOL! It truly does help to have a sense of humor with this endeavor. I'm going to be doing a lot of cutting soon, material that I love but doesn't move the story along.

And learned another thing about my writing habits. I do better if I have music playing while I write. Right now, I'm listening to Josh Groban's Awake album, along with his Illuminations album, and Donny Osmond's This is the Moment album.

Decisions, decisions...

How to use my pen name. I love the name Laurel Hawkes. I love the persona I've created for Laural Hawkes. I've thought about legally changing my name to Laurel Hawkes, but there is that part of me that feels like I need to learn to love who I am, not just my Brand. There is my non-fiction and my fiction. Oddly enough, after a heart-to-heart with one of my best friends in the world, I'm thinking I'll publish the the non-fiction under Laurel Hawkes, and the fiction under my real name. I needed to face the fact that in this information age, it won't be long before anyone who wants to know will know the connection. I might as well own it.

Another realization, today. I love reading contemporary romance. I love dabbling in writing it, but I definitely can't carry off a serious undertaking, at least, not yet. I hope to reach the point where I'm able to express those stories in my head, maybe even later this year. But right now, I feel like there are some things I still need to learn. I also love reading historical romances, particularly Regency. I also really enjoy writing in that time period. I love the language and being on the cusp of change from the old world to the new. The world was starting to make some significant changes.

This month's plan is to overhaul my inspirational historical romance, one chapter a day, including the synopsis for that chapter.

Interestingly enough, I've come to the realization that mornings, for me, are great for the practical things, paying bills, catching up on emails, running errands, PTBW, etc. Around two or three o'clock in the afternoon, my creativity seems to kick in, and I am able to work on my writing for the next six to eight hours. Who knew? Oh, God knew, and has been waiting for me to figure it out. I'm so grateful God is patient.

First thing to do: STOP LYING TO YOURSELF

With more storms, today, I learned something new about myself. Yesterday, I lamented that I turned off my brain as well as my computer. I found myself in the same situation, today, except that I learned something new, today. I really cannot focus on anything during a storm, except the storm. I gave up trying to read or do anything else, pulled up a chair in front of the picture window, and watched the rain and wind plow through, while listening to the thunder. Couldn't really see any lightning, due to the tree in front of the window. Now, the announcer kept warning about the storms and that you should stay away from the windows. Felt a bit like those poor bugs attracted to those bug light zappers. All afternoon, I watched the storms roll in and out. I am awed by the power and frightened by what that unleashed power is capable of destroying. They were also announcing possible tornadoes to add to the excitement. I've never been one much for gawking at traffic accidents. I have met my own version of the traffic accident: Storms.

Inspiration...

Chatting on my walk with my walking buddy, this morning, I found myself remembering a specific event that I knew would fit into the current WIP. What's more, it fits into the very next scene.

In my study on honor, I'm learning that it encompasses many things. Coming from a home where even the simplest of courtesies was not taught, let alone values and principles such as respect, compassion, and honor, my search for honor is multifaceted, and requires that I become more than I have ever been before. What comes naturally to others because it has been ingrained since babyhood I am struggling to learn and incorporate into my life, now. There are days when I feel hopelessly uncouth, and other days when there is a glimmer of potential. I hang onto "I only truly fail if I fail to rise each time I fall."

Editing...

The importance of self editing came through as I re-read what I wrote last night, namely the final word. As I glanced over what I'd added, I found myself gripped in a double-take because the word I thought it was wasn't what I'd written. My computer didn't question it. I looked it up in the dictionary, and was told I might need to try an unabridged version. Oops. Not what I intended, I think. I can't even be sure. A different word choice was decided on, and then I happily moved on in the scene since I'd been mulling over the story all day and found a pleasing direction.

Friday...

I'm having the vision trouble typical of an oncoming migraine, so keeping it short. I wanted to be able to stick to my goal to write six days a week, and managed to add a little more. Not a lot, but it did make me smile, an interchange between the heroine and the hero's sister. These are people I'd like as friends.

Christ, the perfect example in all things. The thought of how much that encompasses is a bit staggering. However, this is the first time I've wondered about his perfect sense of humor. I've often complained about God's sense of humor, more specifically when it seemed as if it were at my expense. That little bit of whining out of the way, I must admit that in those moments, I did laugh. It was usually my pride that took the hit, that being my self-righteousness/arrogance. Not a bad thing, just unsettling.

Some days....

...feel like falling down the rabbit hole. Though the PTBW wasn't long technically, it was slow going. It isn't finished yet, and won't be until I call for some clarification, but with offices closed, it must wait until tomorrow.

No brain left for creative thinking, but did work on the other writing project a bit. It's been nagging. That should tell me something, if I were willing to listen. I am teachable. I am. I'm working on it, anyway.

Honor 6: an evidence or symbol of distinction: as a: an exalted title or rank b(1): badge, decoration (2): a ceremonial rite or observance c: an award in a contest or field of competition d archaic: a gesture of deference, ie bow e plural (1): an academic distinction conferred on a superior student (2): a course of study for superior students supplementing or replacing a regular course
Straightforward enough, and I also understand this. It also isn't really pertinent to what I'm studying, but again helpful in helping me recognize what I'm not searching to learn.

Unexpected discovery...

Reading a book I don't enjoy is not inspiring. Not even a little bit. In fact, it's quite dampening, all the way around. Unfortunately, there are times when being tenacious is a distinct disadvantage. I keep reading hoping the story will improve. I'm more than half way through. So far, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am becoming more choosy in my reading material, which is helping. If the book isn't finished, tonight, it's still finished. Starting over fresh, tomorrow.

Honor 4: one whose worth brings respect or fame: credit i.e., an honor to the profession
I think is where my concept of the definition begins to waver. I've seen too many lauded as a credit to their profession, and yet evidence suggests they aren't honorable at all. That being said, I do know people who are truly a credit to their profession, exhibiting the best qualities, the traits you would want in the professional you would want on your side in a time of need. Perhaps, I'm finding myself mixing it with those professionals who lack honor but have gained fame, and too often there are too many who hold fame in higher value than honor. I understand this definition, but it needs a lot of refining before it fits properly.

TGIF...

I think I'm falling in love with my hero. And he's fighting falling in love with my heroine. It's fun to watch. I'm amazed by how the story seems to be unfolding more easily. I start to write, and the next thing I know there are several hundred words on the page. It's a joy.

Honor 3: a person of superior standing --now used especially as a title for a holder of high office.
I understand this, but don't think it really applies to my personal study. There are too many who hold a high office who have no honor, no matter what label you stick on them. Perhaps I need to ask instead, am I worthy of such a title? Don't know yet, but then this is what this exercise is all about. But it also falls into the category of "is there enough evidence to convict me of being Christian?" I'm working on it. Perhaps a lifelong process, but I hope to have enough evidence soon, if I don't already, and then add as much as possible.

Long work days...

...make for very little writing. There simply doesn't seem to be much of anything left, after a heavy work day. I did add a little to the WIP, but even asking the characters what comes next gleans little more than a blank. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I did make a change I'd been thinking about, so hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to see what comes next.

Honor: 2: Privilege
Yes, I understand that one. Today, I noticed the date for the word first being used is the 13th century. I'm a bit confused by that since I know honor is a concept found in the Bible. The first thing that comes to mind is "honor thy father and thy mother." Maybe it's specifically the word "honor" as we know it in English. It is rooted in Latin. It's so easy to become bogged down in the details that don't really matter. But unless one is willing to explore the little details, it is difficult to find those hidden gems that are so easily overlooked by a quick glance.

Storms lead to more brainstorms...

Shuffling notes, yesterday, and following an encouraging presentation, I've discovered a need to see, overall, where the story is and where it is going. I'm not so much a planner. I know people who are and am all kinds of impressed that they have that ability. Not my gift. I'm a panster, ie, writing by the seat of my pants. I enjoy the way the story takes a totally unexpected turn. It isn't easy to surprise yourself, but in writing it's possible. It's fun. That being said, I also recognize that I can't continue to wander aimlessly through this story. A bit of direction is in order, so this afternoon's writing is to give some form to my notes.

I'm endeavoring to learn that when things happen, beyond my control and out of reach of my power to do anything, it's wise and good to turn it over to God. Not easy for someone who feels a bone-deep need to be in control.

The other day I was asked, "Do you believe you're going to heaven?" It isn't a question I contemplate often. I figure God will decide. But I was asked, so I searched my heart, and decided that yes, I do believe I'm going to heaven. Then I was asked, "How do you think you'll make it?" I'm learning to stop and think before answering a question, but the answer was right there, "Because of my Savior. Look to God and Live." Finally I was asked if there were those who would not go to heaven and why. "God is the Judge, not me, and I'm so grateful it isn't my decision." I'm learning what I believe, down to my soul. I'm at peace with it.

Back to work...

I enjoyed a quiet Sunday and didn't think about writing, anything. There are several books in my TBR pile that are in various stages of reading. These are the ones I read a little at a time and then think about before going on to the next paragraph, page, chapter, depending on how much time I need to think about what I've read.

Today, it was back into the WIP and it's coming along again. Problem solved.

This was in my quotes, today: "Love and laughter, not a sorrowful resignation mark real acceptance of My Will."--Two Listeners. Turning my life over to God is scary. Really scary. I'm not very good at it, but I am working on it. This gives me something specific to work on improving.

Timing...

I figured out the problem. Timing. My heroine informed me that it wasn't her timing that was off, it was mine. Now, it makes perfect sense why she's showing up in the scene. I found that this is frequently a problem. I'm frustrated with stories where the hero and heroine sit down in an expensive restaurant, have a ten minute conversation, and dinner is over. I've rarely been served in that a mount of time, let alone eating the whole meal, while talking with someone. I fret over taking too long or not long enough for an event or between encounters. An error either way can be distracting.

The bright side of missing the National Conference is that I'll have no excuse to not spend a lot more time writing. So, here's to the little bumps and bubbles God throws into life and seeing them as a blessing.

Still writing...

...every day. And the WIP is becoming something I'm really enjoying, instead of something I HAVE to do because it's niggling at me all the time. Perhaps a better word would be nagging me all the time. The hero is still center stage, and I like him more and more. He brought up the scripture where the Lord tells Saul, "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." How much have I been kicking at the pricks? More than I want to admit. My counselor would point to the wall to remind me that some things I try to control are truly out of my hands, but if I really I want to, then I'm welcome to bang my head against the wall because it will have the same effect.

Looking out my window, it's dead calm. Watching the weather radar, I wonder if it's the calm before the storm, literally. The sun setting in the West spotlights the palm trees across the way, while all else is in shadow. Amazing.