Abuse running in families is considered common knowledge. There are
always exceptions to the rule. Perhaps to put it more diplomatically: It
is not uncommon for abuse to be passed down from one generation to the
next. Such an argument is frequently employed in court cases. I remember
a PSA (Public Service Announcement) showing a little boy who is aged
from small child to adulthood. The sound in the background is his father
scream and threatening at his mother. The frames show the boy first
horrified, then cringing, then embarrassed, mocking, and then screaming
and threatening his own wife. The cycle continues until someone decides
to break the chain of abuse. A chain breaker.
A chain breaker understands they need help out of the cookie jar and actively seek it.
Years
ago, my sister and I discovered a card at DaySpring. Unfortunately, it
was an ecard and, as far as I know, no longer exists, except in our
memories. We refer to it often, to this day.
Frame One: A lovely, sunny kitchen, with a cookie jar on the counter.
Frame Two: Two gingerbread girls are in the cookie jar gazing up at the opening they can't reach on their own.
Frame Three: One gingerbread girl pushes the other gingerbread girl out of the jar.
Frame Four: The gingerbread girl who is out of the jar reaches down and pulls out the other gingerbread girl.
Frame Five: The two gingerbread girls toddle off into the sunset with big smiles on their faces.
Since
I first saw the card, I've come to realize I haven't escaped the jar,
yet. I still slide back. I may not escape in this life, but I keep
trying. The old habits still pop up too easily, but I am doing better.
God
blesses me with other survivors who aid me in my efforts to escape. I
also do my best to help as many as possible, no matter how many times
someone falls.
Thank you to all the amazing people
who share the struggle, without recriminations. I would not be where I
am, peeking over the edge of the jar, without your encouragement,
understanding, patience, and love. I thank God every day for you.
From my own observations and experiences in my FOO there are three ways of reacting to abuse; subservience, rebellion/violence, and switching off emotions.
ReplyDeleteBecause NMs feel inadequate they psychologically project on to their child their own failings. I have a theory that sometimes it has to do with a personality clash between parent and child. That’s why some are scapegoats and some are GC. On a good day I feel I’ve moved on and forgiven but it’s difficult to forgive completely such intentional and persistent abuse, especially when I can still see the damage in myself and my siblings
The cookie jar card is a wonderful way of describing being trapped by emotions.
I think acceptance is the key; accepting that it is something lacking in them and it isn’t your/our fault.
Love, Molly
Thanks ((Molly)) I think the acceptance works in the forgiveness department as well. It isn't about them; it's about me. Me accepting I can't change them; I can only change me. I truly appreciate your comment. It's exactly what I needed right now.
DeleteLove that card. Sad that it is no longer available. But it is right there in our hearts. (((((Judy)))))
ReplyDelete:)
(((((Ruth)))))
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