Laurel Hawkes: June 2017

Friday, June 30, 2017

3 of 25 Things

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

3. "I'm an overachiever."

My sister's post:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/06/25/overachieving/

Anything less than an A was shameful. Perfection was a must, unless I wanted to be punished. Funnily enough, it was a bonus when I became a medical transcriptionist. My work needed to be perfect because patients' lives depended on it. It was the only thing in which perfectionism was a pro instead of a con.

The weird part was that my perfectionism spurred arrogance even as I felt worthless. All the contradictions was wearing for one simple reason: My perspective was built on lies.

I remember my counselor asking me about how I perceived myself. He'd run me through a series of activities in an effort to teach me I was a good person and that I was a capable person. I vividly remember visualizing myself, as I thought I should be, and realizing I didn't like her. She was successful, beautiful, self-assured; she was also self-righteous, arrogant, pious, and a miserable person to be around. She was the perfect person I had been expected to be in order to please those who would make my life miserable if I didn't measure up.

Overachieving wasn't about being successful. It was about pleasing to the point of deflecting attention from myself and shining the light on the things I'd done. If I did enough right, then it would tip the balance in my favor from all the bad things I'd done.

It all changed when I finally believed that God loved me no matter what. I wanted to be good not to avoid punishment from being bad but because I wanted to make God smile because I chose rightly, because I chose His way. Yes, I spent a lot of years, most of life, working to avoid punishment. What a joy to discover the peace and wonder of choosing right for right's sake. Bad things still happen, but I know it isn't punishment. Life happens. Evil exists. Jesus overcame the world, so I need not fear.

I don't want to give a false sense of everything's wonderful. I still struggle. I still make mistakes. However, my focus has changed. Instead of avoiding/pleasing/fawning my abuser, making them the center of my world, God is now the center. Oddly enough, He's easier to please. He doesn't change the rules in the middle. He doesn't change His expectations. He doesn't lie.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Musical Thursday

David Archuleta ~ Up All Night:
https://youtu.be/pjl-7ueqqYQ

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

2 of 25 Things

Original Link to The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

2. I can't accept compliments.

My sister's response to the second:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/06/21/compliments/

There were two reasons for a compliment: Either it was to butter me up because "they" wanted something, or it was a setup to put me in my place with a follow up criticism. Sometimes I was slammed with both. A compliment was never innocent and always came with a catch, a price to pay. It was a battle to want to accept the compliment and wondering whether a figurative backhand would be included or a request. One was painful, the other was manipulative. I wasn't fooled by the pretty words. Either way, I always felt like I came away from the encounter a bit bruised and muddied. Compliments were always a trap.

I don't remember when, but I remember a lesson somewhere about the importance of accepting compliments. The teacher explained that blowing off a compliment or deflecting it diminished the gift being given. What I remember best was the teacher's directive, "Say 'thank you' and shut up."

I'm much better than I used to be. I've practiced and practiced accepting compliments with grace. I endeavor to give sincere compliments. I know the value of the gift of giving and receiving.

Sometimes, I still have to remind myself, "Say 'thank you' and shut up."

Monday, June 26, 2017

Monday Quote

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.

~ Frederick Douglas

Yes, that's the moon up there.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Sunday Scripture

Proverbs 17:28

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Saturday Links

Laura Peters shared a fun post about the English language on A Writer's Path:
https://ryanlanz.com/2017/06/21/fun-english-language-facts-that-all-writers-should-know/

Christians Read provided a bit of amusing history on undergarments:
https://christiansread.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/whats-under-there-underwear/

God bless.

Friday, June 23, 2017

1 of 25 Things

On Monday, I shared a link to my sister's post and one to an article about 25 Things You Do as an Adult When You've Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse:

https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

1. “[I] can’t stand conflict, loud sudden noises, shouting and screaming or aggression in any form. [It] triggers my fight or flight, instantly.”

This is my sister's response to the first one:

https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/06/20/tolerating-noise-and-crowds/

This is mine, and as much as we have in common, we also have significant differences (a good thing):

Yes, I remember feeling the same way. The question to address is: Is this still true?

I spent much of my life believing it was my job to smooth things over, make everything all right, even if it meant crushing my own thoughts and feelings. "Peace at all cost."

Funnily enough, my younger brother and I fought constantly. And yet, I would swear I hated conflict. The hypocrisy is not lost on me. Now that I think about it, he was the only one I argued with, pretty much ever.

I also excelled at disappearing inside myself. I would hide in my room with my radio playing. If I couldn't escape, I turned my thoughts inward, mentally shutting out what was happening.

Arguing back only landed me in more trouble. The few times I attempted to stand up for myself, it was frightening how fast my sense of rightness would be twisted until I was in the wrong and needed to apologize for having done something wrong, even though I hadn't. Fighting wasn't worth it. Whether I was right or wrong didn't matter. No matter what, I would be found guilty of wrongdoing.

Watching conflict on television or movies can be entertaining. A good story has conflict. However, it can also be annoying. It depends on the type. I love action movies but hate bickering. A well choreographed fight scene is great, but it's difficult to craft an argument worth listening to for long.

Do I think the battle is worth fighting? If I don't, then I don't want to hear it or be a part of it. If I do, then I endeavor to keep a level speaking tone, though I do become quite intense. I don't resort to name calling unless I'm grumbling about someone not present.

I don't like fireworks in real life, but that's because it's painful. I enjoy going shooting because I like to use earplugs and earmuffs. I could use the same protection at fireworks, but I still prefer to watch them on television where I can turn down the sound. I startle, but I also think it's normal.

Crowds, like at a concert or stadium, generate enough noise that feedback occurs, a buzzing noise in my ears that makes it impossible for me to hear much of anything. It's annoying.

When someone behaves aggressively toward me, I will first retreat, determining what kind of threat I'm facing. If I determine I'm not in harms way, I will stand my ground.

How did I change my behaviors?

Owning a dog, I was pack leader and retreating wasn't an option. She was my early-warning system, and I was her protector. She depended on me to take care of her. Owning a horse, he was 1,000 pounds and could do serious damage if I didn't hold my ground. Those were starting points. I watched others and learned by practicing. Most of my time with my last counselor was spent with me telling him about situations and how I handled them and asking him if I handled it correctly and what were other ways I could have done it.

Which brings us to now, if I'm familiar with a topic, I can hold my own in an argument. If I'm not, I'll let it slide. Not a fan of some noises. No problem with others. Shouting and screaming tend to bring out Miss Super Calm. Most screamers have a hard time with someone who refuses to scream back and also doesn't cower or back away. Aggressiveness doesn't scare me so much as annoys me. Unless I have a sense of danger from the other person. I've still a lot to learn, but I'm a whole lot better than I used to be. I'm willing take it for a win.