10 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

10. "I'm very defensive which can come across cold or nasty. I also portray quite a lot of negativity which seems to be my barrier so I don't get hurt."

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/10/offense-can-make-a-lousy-defense/

My response:

This was me, in the distant past... at least, that's what I want to believe. I know that some people described me as stuck up, and I earned the nickname "Ice Queen," among a few people. The last one, I think, actually came from me refusing to give ground on a couple of boundaries.

Hmmm... I wasn't boundary-less. I didn't have the boundaries I wanted. I was a doormat too often. I allowed myself to be lost in whoever I was with, acting like a mirror, reflecting back to them what they wanted to see, down to liking the same movies, music, and books, regardless of my actual preferences.

Okay, I was also called a porcupine, from time to time, and brutally honest. The last one evolved out of my desperate need to be absolutely honest. I didn't understand yet that sharing my opinion did not qualify as telling the truth. Live and learn.

As to being defensive, that usually showed up after I'd been pushed, for a long time. Then I'd go all scorched earth. I'd annihilate all arguments... I excelled at conversation stoppers. Sometimes, this is a good thing. Really. Sometimes, it isn't. I needed to learn temperance.

One more name I was given  was Odie, as in Garfield's Odie the dog. He's a silly, happy creature. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, my first counselor noted I had a nervous laugh: laughing at inappropriate times and at inappropriate subject matter, like laughing about the abuse I endured. Not a laughing matter. I still laugh sometimes, but I'm aware. It's a question of laugh or cry and I choose to laugh. Choosing is different than the automatic default response.

It's all about choices.

The dust storm rolls in like facing counseling. I could pretend the dirt wasn't there, but that didn't change the fact it was. I chose to face the storm. I didn't tackle it alone. I tried. I kept stumbling over the rubble of my past. I chose a counselor who knew what to do and how to clean up afterward. Thanks God.