8 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

8. "Indecisiveness. [It feels like] every choice I make is wrong even if I choose the option I'm told to take...I'm afraid to [be a] parent because I don't want to 'mess up' my kid."

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/07/02/decisions-decisions/

My response:

I spent far too much of my life allowing circumstances -- procrastination -- to make my decisions. I'm able to look back now and remember my logic: If I don't decide than I can't be blamed. Except I was blamed anyway.

Abuse is a no-win situation. I was set up to fail. Even if I chose right, it would be twisted until I was wrong. If I reached the appointed goal, expectations would be changed to ensure I still failed.

I was left feeling that no matter what I did it would be wrong so why make any effort at all.

If something was important me, I agonized over every single decision involved. Decisions were never straightforward or simple. I had to consider the consequences, not only of the decision but how the abuser would view my decision. Would I be punished or praised? Abusers throw out the occasional praise to keep the victim off-balance and continuing to strive for praise, no matter how arbitrary.

I still struggle with being indecisive and agonizing over decisions once they're made. Did I do the right thing? Could I have done it better? What about doing it differently? These aren't questions I came up with on my own. These are questions that were posed to me, every time I chose anything, causing me to question myself constantly.

What changed?

For one thing, I wasn't so much under the thumb of the abusers. I had to make some decisions on my own. I gradually learned to trust my own judgment. Trusting God helped as well. Success encourages success. It took me a long time to learn that success in little things built a foundation for big things.

I learned that not everything is life and death. An abuser will make it feel that way. It's a lie. In fact, some things don't matter. Learning priorities helped with decision making. I still struggle, but I am doing better. Practice, practice, practice.

A dust storm rolling in requires quick thinking and decision making, with priorities. Growing up in Arizona, I've seen a lot of dust storms. I know that at this point in the picture I have 15 minutes before the dust hits my house. Turn off the A/C, so the dust doesn't come through the filter. Close the doors and windows. If there's stuff that can blow away, like chairs in the yard, move them to a secure spot. Laundry on the line needs to be brought in or it'll have to be washed again. Stand at the window and watch the show.