24 of 25 Things

As I started my journey working through these, it was to clarify to myself what I went through. However, as I've worked, I've discovered a deeper reason for exploring each "Thing." Each of the 25 Things applied to me. I also realize that I've worked through some. They are no longer a problem. I've made progress on all of them. This is an opportunity to look back and see how far I've come. It's important to do that, once in a while.

Original post from The Mighty:
https://themighty.com/2017/06/childhood-emotional-abuse-adult-habits/

24. “I don’t really know who I am or what I truly think. Virtually everything I say seems to me to be a lie I’ve just fabricated for that particular situation. I have real problems trying to identify what I’m feeling.”

My sister's response:
https://ptsd-acceptingcopingthriving.com/2017/08/03/who-am-i/

My response:

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt. Burned it.

I remember watching "Runaway Bride" and feeling quite smug. For those who haven't seen the movie, the heroine has been engaged several times and bolted at the alter, every time. She doesn't really know what she wants. (There are many shows, TV and movies, I've watched and books I've read for the purpose of endeavoring to understand my situation and find ways of improving.) I already knew I liked my eggs over easy. Ask what my style was and I'd draw a blank. In fact, I'd draw a blank about a lot of things. I realized I needed to learn what I like and what I don't like. I experimented, extensively.

Cooking was a fun one, a safe place to start the process. It didn't require I look too deeply into myself or my past. I once tried three different angel biscuit recipes to see which one I liked best. Taste testers, family and friends, were not disappointed. I finally learned to cook without a recipe. It isn't easy. It takes practice.

What exercise do I like? Walking. It's the one I'm least likely to overdo. I'm married to my physical therapy for life.

Music: Christian contemporary, like Casting Crowns; instrumental, like The Piano Guys; some classical; a little country; easy listening, like Carpenters; movie scores, like Lord of the Rings; some old Rock and Roll, like Elvis, Three Dog Night, and Chicago.

Books: Lord of the Rings and Narnia Chronicles; romance, mostly Christian; biographies, like Lone Survivor; self-help, like Battle Plan for Prayer.

Clothes: Soft, pretty, flowing, things that make me feel feminine.

Animals: Dogs and horses.

I will be flexible in conversations if I want to help the other person feel more comfortable. What does that mean? If the other person loves to read horror or watch sad movies, I'll let them talk about it and even ask a few intelligent questions. The way I talk may make it sound like I also like those things, but I think it's being polite.

Learning to recognize what I'm feeling required a flash-bang moment. I was watching "Fellowship of the Ring" the first time. I dreaded the possibility that they'd taken the title, jacked it up, and placed a new story underneath it. Peter Jackson was remarkably true to the books, not perfect but better than anything I'd ever seen. I loved the music right off, a good sign for me. I was delighted by the Shire, startled by the fireworks, afraid of the Black Riders, excited by the chases, cheering for the hobbits, saddened at the loss of Gandalf (it had been a while since I'd read the books and couldn't remember what happened) and relieved when I remembered how the story goes. I was disappointed by a few things, and anxious and anticipatory for seeing the next installment. I experienced a wide range of emotions in a short period of time. I walked out of the theater babbling about the movie, and I realized I'd kept a whole host of emotions locked away, until that moment.

I had to learn to let the emotions come. I also had to learn how to control some of the ones that I wasn't used to allowing on the stage of my life, like anger. I'd tried to bury it and fought it daily. I finally set it free and discovered that burying emotions does not make them go away. They only fester. I discovered the amazing realization that anger was, in fact, a healthy response to boundaries being violated. However, once I knew, then anger only got in the way of finding a healthy way to resolve problems. Fear is a great warning system, but it's a horribly place to constantly live.

I've a better idea of who I am. I accept that as I learn healthier ways of living I will continue to change. I pray I continue to become a better and better person. It's never too late to start learning who you are and to work toward becoming a better person.