Self Care 5 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

5. Allowing myself to feel all emotions – joy and anger are the most difficult for me.

My response: 

I remember how difficult it was for me to identify joy. Anger was easy. I was so ashamed for feeling angry. Sometimes the anger morphed to barely controlled rage. I bent a hefty frying pan when I threw it on the floor. No one was allowed to witness such outbursts. No one except my dog. Bless her heart. She'd hide. I never hurt her, but my rage was terrifying. I actually used it to protect myself and my horse when dogs would run at us when I went riding. By then, I was learning to control the rage in a more positive manner. Before that, I twisted and transformed my anger into self-hatred.

I felt like I lived on the surface. Most emotions were avoided. Dangerous. I didn't know how to handle them, so I pretended like they weren't there. I muted everything. An emotion would hit, and I'd flatten it to a manageable bit of fluff. Truthfully, I channeled it all into despair. No hope. Despair was safer than rage.

Happiness was fleeting, gone before I could fully embrace it. My dog gave me a measure of peace. I think I learned unconditional love from her.

Then "Fellowship of the Ring" came along, December 2001. It isn't often one can pinpoint when life changes forever. I dreaded seeing the movie. I was afraid they'd jacked up the title and put a new story underneath it. A flicker of hope wanted it to be passable, not horrid.  The opening was an intriguing start. I wasn't willing to give my stamp of approval, but I wasn't disappointed. A good start. I gasped upon my first view of the Shire. It was exactly as I'd imagined. The Long Expected Party delighted me, including the fireworks. Good surprises. Then the Nazgul appeared, a good scary. I'd never understood good scary until that moment. It was fun. Somethings weren't quite right, but I was willing to forgive the director's personal vision. I remembered bits and pieces from the books I hadn't read in years. I remembered a scene was coming that included the water looking like horses and riders. I figured if the film could carry that off in a believable manner I'd give the film my stamp of approval. The scene appeared and it was all and more. I was overjoyed. I allowed myself to fall into the story. Surprise, fear, sadness, anticipation, and a wealth of other emotions flooded me, and I allowed myself to feel, really feel, every one. I went back 33 more times to relive all those emotions.

The emotional spigot was turned on, and I liked it. I decided I'd never turn it off again.

I discovered a whole new problem: I didn't know how to handle all the emotions. Practice, practice, practice.

Sixteen years later and I'm still practicing. I was ready. God opened the door, and I danced through.