Original link:
https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/
8. I struggle with believing in myself. As many times as trusted loved ones have told me I’m beautiful, loving, and smart, I find myself completely unable to believe them.
My response:
This is a tough one. I still struggle with it.
Trusted loved ones turned out to be untrustworthy.
Perhaps that's where solving this one really starts. I still don't believe I'm beautiful. I'm kind of smart. I am loving and lovable. That is enormous progress.
I believed the negative tape for decades. I recognized the voices that weren't my own, that spoke more clearly and loudly than my own voice that struggled to defend me.
I had to start with Rule #1: Stop lying, especially to yourself.
Some may find it a negative rule. I found it to be positive. It not only meant that I had to stop pretending that people who said they cared about me didn't, but I also had to stop believing the lies they told about me, the lies I had accepted and claimed as my own.
People I thought I could trust said they believed me and then proved they didn't. I'm learning to let go of people like that. I'm not casting them aside, but I'm not investing my emotions in them. They've turned their backs on me before, and I anticipate they will again. Now, it won't hurt.
People aren't perfect.
I discovered friends who respect me and my boundaries, believe I fit in, and like me exactly as I am. They accept my past and believe me. I don't have to prove myself to them. Interestingly enough, I feel the same way about them.
Painfully, I've been through a lot of friends. They fit, at the time, but as I grow healthier, we don't really fit anymore. It's sad, but I can't go back to what I was in order to be accepted.
Believing in yourself is not something anyone can give you. Friends and family and others can tell you how wonderful you are, but you will never believe them until it comes from inside you. It isn't fair to expect them to build that in you.
Here's the really tough part: It was something I had to choose for myself.
It felt like such an impossible choice, with all the negative things that had been said by people who supposedly loved me. How could I believe anything else? It required that I decide they were wrong.
I stepped back and looked at my life. I've made a lot of mistakes. People have lied about me. People have judged me and found me wanting. People had no trouble letting me know how I came up short.
Jesus Christ died for me, to save me. That knowledge is my saving grace.
Nothing the naysayers imply or declare can compete with God's infinite love for me.
I had to choose Jesus. Either I believe Him, and He's right: I'm worth dying for. Or I don't believe Him and it doesn't matter what I believe. As my trust in Jesus grew, what others thought of me meant less. I still slip into the old habits, from time to time, but I'm learning. Give the battle to God, and praise Him in the storm.
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