Original link:
https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/
6. To stop always saying “sorry” (for nothing) and “people pleasing.”
My response:
First, I had to learn to recognize why I was apologizing. I was the scapegoat, so everything was my fault. A dish was broken, it was reported as my fault, even if I wasn't in the room. If nasty things were said by someone else, it was reported that I said it. If I said something truthful, it was questioned or discounted completely. I apologized because it was expected. I accepted responsibility for numerous things I never did or said. Why? Because it was expected and by doing so I made the offender feel better but more importantly: I avoided getting into even more trouble. Yes, I was punished for not accepting the role of scapegoat.
Learning to recognize why I was apologizing sounds like an easy task. It isn't. It was only a few years ago that I learned to what extent I was blamed for what others did. Who would believe that I would be blamed for breaking an everyday dish? I began to see all the things for which I was blamed day in and day out, things beyond my control or things that were made up in order to explain why I was such a bad person.
A struggle in understanding "I'm sorry" came when I realized there are two types that are both acceptable. There is "I'm sorry. I was wrong." Straightforward enough. The second is "I'm sorry. I feel bad you're going this difficult situation." The first is accepting responsibility for a failure. The second is an attempt to empathize. Neither one is wrong.
With all the "apologies" for bad behavior going around, I've noticed that many fall far short. In truth, many are not apologies at all but lip service with an excuse attached.
What a real apology looks like:
I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
It will never happen again.
What do I need to do to make things right?
If there's nothing I can do to make something right, what do I need to do to make a true change in my life?
No "Sorry, but..." No "Sorry, explanation..." No excuses.
People pleasing is far more encompassing than saying "sorry" all the time. People pleasing is an attempt to prove that I'm worthy of taking up air and space. It's really tough to learn to believe that you are worthy to be on this earth simply because you were born. It's true.
This is where my faith comes in handy: You are here because God wants you here. You have something to offer because God continues to give you breath, every day. If you wonder if your mission on earth is over, if you're still here, it isn't over. There is no other like you. You are unique. You have a combination of gifts and talents unlike any other person who has ever lived. Sometimes those gifts and talents are things that can't be catalogued or tallied. Patience, kindness, a sense of humor, peacemaker, gentleness, courage, sass. Yes, I think sass can be a gift. Like most gifts, they can be used for good or ill. The choice is yours. I prefer to choose good.
I may choose to please others. Sometimes, it's fun. It's also a part of who I am. I enjoy seeing others happy. However, I'm learning that sacrificing myself, when it isn't required, is selfish martyrdom. I don't like it in others because I really don't like it in myself.
How do I change? Practice. Lots and lots of practice. It's worth it because I am worth it. If I allow shadows of the past to rule my life, I will never reach my full potential. The baggage will drag me down. Give the battle to God and praise Him in the storm.
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