Self Care 7 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

7. Preparing and eating healthy meals. I know how to, I know I deserve it, I can plan it and even sometimes manage to buy the groceries, but I freeze when it comes to the “doing” which doesn’t even bring me to “the eating”.

My response: 

Food is a really tough one for me. I was punished and rewarded with food. I was fed food that made me sick. My weight was a constant topic of ridicule. I was 5'5" and weighed 125 lb and called fat. I was able to see my ribs and called fat. My battle with food is long and painful.

I will not yield.

The journey is long and ugly and painful. It isn't over yet.

Learning what was healthy wasn't the problem. I had it crammed down my throat on a regular basis. The latest books and studies recited to me ad nauseam. I was told that men didn't marry girls as fat as I was. I was twenty pounds over my "ideal." By the way, that ideal is now considered unhealthy to the point of anorexic. I rebelled and promptly added thirty more pounds, and more after that. Stupid but the only way I could figure out how to fight back against unreasonable expectations.

How do you fight a battle that society jumps in and supports? 

Where do you start?

I knew some foods made me sick, anything with bran. I had to stop eating them. Insanely, I used them to push myself for not eating healthy. I'd eat too much or the wrong things and I'd eat an oatmeal cookie. Guaranteed to make me sick.

I was in my 40s when I finally admitted how insanely stupid I was being. I cut all oatmeal from my diet. My doctor did a food allergy test and discovered I was highly allergic to eggs. I would take allergy pills so I could eat fried eggs once a month. I finally admitted how stupid that was, too, and stopped eating eggs, except as a minor ingredient in other things. I've been egg free for only four years. Yes, that's how long it took me to finally stop hurting myself.

I hoard food. I grew up with feast or famine. If I liked something, the recipe was changed until I didn't like it in an effort to control my eating. I started with squirreling away easy to store foods, like candy bars and anything easy to prepare. I did a lot of sneaking food. While other children could take what they wanted from the fridge and cupboards, everything I ate was carefully monitored. How do you explain stealing crackers and marshmallows because it's difficult to tell how much is missing?

I discovered Schwan's and learned about portion sizes. I added healthier foods to my hoarding, spaghetti, canned and bottled fruits and veggies. I need to have certain comfort foods in my pantry, like peanut butter and grape jelly and bread. Bread freezes well.

Recently, I've been experimenting with eliminating soy from my diet. I have less trouble with swallowing, and the rash on my wrist is disappearing. It's amazing how many things have soy in them. Jell-O brand doesn't have soy, but generic jello and pudding has soy. Captain Crunch doesn't have soy or red dye. Woohoo! Whole milk doesn't have xanthan gum but reduced fat milk does. I'm learning what's healthy for me. It's requiring I make healthier choices. I had to decide I'm worth taking care of and protecting, even from my bad habits.