Sunday Scripture

Proverbs 20:11

Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.

Saturday Links

A Soulful Saga blog gave me an opportunity to shift my perspective:
https://pratibha23rana.wordpress.com/2017/12/22/when-darkness-resides-for-too-long-2-min-read/

Searching the Meaning of Life is in Greek. Google Translate is great. I thought this post, "Soul Detoxification" is a good prep for the New Year:
https://searchingthemeaningoflife.wordpress.com/2017/12/28/soul-detoxification/

God bless.

Favorite Book Friday

An Inconvenient Beauty (Hawthorne House series book 5) by Kristi Ann Hunter the last in the series of Regency Christian romance. I loved the series so much I bought it in book format, except the first A Lady of Esteem, which is only available in eformat. If it were available in paperback, I'd buy it, too.

Musical Thursday

Matthew West's "All In" ~ I'm endeavoring to learn to be all in.
https://youtu.be/0RwDpnKIvUI

Wordless Wednesday

Self Care 25 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

25. At least one unscheduled day per week, with no errands to run and no work or social obligations.

My response:

I'm not so sure this is even feasible. I don't know anyone who has a day like this. Typically, if you work five days a week, the other two days are spent running errands and catching up on various activities not accomplished during the week.

That being said, I do believe I'm learning to balance my days.

If I have a social obligation one day, I endeavor to make sure I don't have any the next day. I need to clarify. I'm on social media every day. It's my connection to the world. I like being connected to the world. I do occasionally skip a day. When I go on vacation I take a break from electronic devices except to text home to let them know all's well.

I exercise six days a week and take one day off, Sunday. Sunday is the one day I don't set my alarm. If I'm feeling well, I attend church. Sunday would be the closest I come to an unscheduled day, sort of. It's the day I reflect on the previous week and see how I did. I also plan for the coming week.

It's okay to adapt good things to fit what you need.

I am doing so much better, and I will continue to improve.

Merry Christmas

One of my blogging friends wrote that Jesus is not the reason for the season. We are. Jesus came to earth for us. We are the reason for the season. If we didn't need saving, Jesus would not have come. Christmas wouldn't exist.

https://mustardseedblogs.com/2017/12/13/jesus-is-not-the-reason-for-the-season/

Having said that, I still like this quote (incourage encourages sharing):

It's still true. I can't mess up Christmas. It comes regardless of what I do or don't do. It comes because God so loved the world He gave His only Begotten Son to all the earth to save all who would accept Him. There is nothing so awful that I can do that He is not able to overcome.

Every year, Christmas reminds me an innocent girl and her courageous husband brought into the world a Child like no other, a Child they faithfully raised in God's way. The Child grew into a Man who chose to lay down His life and raise it again to deliver all who would choose Him. The Savior and Redeemer of the World, the Great Exemplar, the Healer of the soul.

Christmas isn't about me; it's about Saving me. It's about saving all who choose the Savior's way.

The message of Christmas is to allow God to change you. ~ Kevin DeVries 

Sunday Scripture

Luke 2:8-14

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring  you good tidings of great Joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Saturday Links

I want to make this a Christmas tradition, The Piano Guys Light of the World concert:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Fa1GUf-LE

Jean Fischer shared a bit of history about Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol":
https://jeanfischer.wordpress.com/2017/12/16/the-little-christmas-book-that-could-and-did/

God bless.

Self Care 24 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

24. Doing things for myself (resting, watching a movie, a massage) without feeling selfish and guilty.

My response:

Buying nice clothes. Eating healthy. Going out to eat. Yes, it's easy for me to brush away little things that aren't as obvious, like resting, watching a movie, reading a book for fun.

It's so difficult to change the mindset that the abuser is the only who matters. It's even more difficult when it's re-enforced by others with phrases like, "They're doing the best they know how." "Hurt people hurt people." "Choose kindness."

Phrases I would prefer in the place of the ones above: "What they're doing is wrong, and it isn't your responsibility to make everything right for them." "Of course hurt people hurt people. Everyone has been hurt. Being hurt isn't an excuse for hurting others. Choose to be a better person." "Kindness is not always the answer. The definition is too vague. Choose to be your best self. Sometimes, that means walking away but sometimes that means standing your ground with courage."

I recent read a book where the premise of the hero's journey is based on the belief that war occurs because of resources, the lack of them or the desire for more. No wonder the world is at odds. War occurs because evil exists. Some people think they have the right to hold power over others. Some people think that other people shouldn't exist. Some people want to control others. Resources are the spoils of war.

Abuse is war. The victim is the spoils of war, a slave to the abuser. One person believes they have the right to control and use another person as they see fit. Slaves have no rights. Slaves don't deserve special treatment. Slaves don't deserve anything. The abuser decides what is given and what is withheld. Abusers use guilt to control their victims.

As long as I allow guilt to rule myself, I am still a slave to my abuser.

Jesus set me free. Do I believe Him or don't I?

When I started learning to do things for myself I did a lot of things that weren't healthy. My secondary abuse of choice is overeating. As I release the guilt and unwarranted shame, my need to overeat decreases. Part of it is trial and error. I'm learning what healthy people learn as children.

First I had to learn what I enjoyed. I have friends who love going to parties, watch horror movies, read long books. I don't enjoy those things. Now that I'm more familiar with what I enjoy, I'm better able to add new things to my list of things to do for myself, to show myself I'm worthy of care and I'm allowed to enjoy my life.

Self Care 23 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

23. Allowing myself to feel, not just the pain, but the peaceful times too.

My response:

Feeling emotions was a challenge. I talked about feeling emotions in an earlier post:

http://laurelhawkes.blogspot.com/2017/11/self-care-5-of-25.html

I think the above statement is a little different.

Allowing myself to feel emotions, all of them, was many things but peaceful wasn't one of them. I lived in a bubbling cauldron. Sometimes it was good; it bubbled like the perfect stew or hot chocolate. Sometimes it wasn't so good because it felt like everything was boiling over and burning.

It was amazing being able to feel a wide range of emotions again. I also frequently felt out of control. It was a dilemma. I didn't want to go back to muting my feelings, but I didn't want to live in a hurricane of emotions all the time. It was tiring.

Feeling at peace was a whole new challenge. PTSD is not peaceful. If if things are peaceful, PTSD has a way of shattering it. Unfortunately, sometimes it's a matter of self-sabotage because chaos is more familiar than peace.

Practice comes in small steps. Stopping to notice a beautiful rose or sunset...

My most vivid memory of feeling true peace was a visit to California. My friends took me to the ocean. I hadn't wanted to go because my previous memory of the ocean was from the Oregon coast. The crashing waves drove me crazy. I wanted desperately to be able to turn down the volume. Of course, I couldn't. It was awful.

My friends took me to Belmont Beach, a section of Long Beach. The waves gently rolled to shore. Shush... shush... shush... The wet, soft, fine sand cushioned each step and shifted with each wave, not to much to set me off balance but enough to keep me aware of the sensations. Warm water, as in not Atlantic cold, poured over my feet and retreated. I could feel my shoulders ease away from my ears. I hadn't realized how tight those muscles were. My friends gave me the opportunity to walk that beach a number of times. It became one of my grounding exercises. I touch my thumbs to my middle fingers, and I'm transported to the beach.

Peace grows as I embrace the truth. It's astonishing how much work and chaos lies produce. Remove the lies, and you don't have to remember what you said to keep the balls in the air. The truth stands alone. Granted, "the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." It's awful going through the muddle when you're tossing out the lies. Strip away one and find another buried underneath. However, once you're down to the truth life is simpler, more peaceful. The peace is worth fighting for, and it is a daily battle against the lies that seek to dominate life. Choose truth, and peace follows. Not always right away, but in the dark of night, it's peaceful because the lies are silenced.

Wordless Wednesday

Self Care 22 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

22. Believing in myself believing I can do something anything I want but not trying because I might fail and embarrass myself or it won’t be perfect.

My response:

This is the ultimate in self-sabotage, and I excelled. My illogical thinking was that if I didn't take a step then I couldn't step wrong. I was taught to think this way.

Example: I left a door in the house open. I was asked, "What can we do to help you never leave the door open again?" It was assumed that there was something that could make sure I never forgot and would execute a demand perfectly every single time. There was one little problem, and by this time I recognized it. I replied, "I'll do it perfectly when you do it perfectly." It ended the conversation. Unfortunately, this conversation only happened a few years ago. Similar questions had been posed to me all my life, and I struggled to provide an answer not realizing there was no workable answer to give what was demanded. I was expected to do the impossible and at least if I did nothing I couldn't be punished for doing something wrong.

Even when I did something right, I was advised on how I could do it better and/or faster. I had been carefully taught that whatever I did it wouldn't be enough. I learned I wasn't enough.

This is really what this problem is about: Believing I'm not enough. I'm not acceptable as I am.

The only way to change this one is to take that first step. There is no other way. However, there are ways to ease into it. Start small. The best example I can use is my own writing journey. Fifteen years ago, I asked my friends online if I should post a "musing." They encouraged me. I posted. It was favorably received. I posted another and another. My confidence grew. I wrote a serial story and then co-authored another. One of the readers emailed me and suggested I write a historical romance. In 2007, I submitted the story. I was rejected. I was crushed. I re-wrote it and submitted it to a contest. The advice given I incorporated into the next re-write. I kept working on it. I submitted it again and after several months it was rejected. I wasn't unhappy about it. I polished it some more and submitted it once more. Desert Breeze Publishing, Inc, sent me a contract, and A Promise of Possibilities was published in 2012.

One step at a time, I went from sharing my writing with no one to published author of 13 novels, 11 novellas, and 1 short story. I've reread my books, and I see things I'd change, not big things, little things. I'm proud of my work. I'm learning to translate the risks I take with writing in other aspects of my life. It doesn't make it easy. I've simply learned it's okay to make mistakes. I won't die. It's okay to be wrong. It won't end the world. My mistakes and being wrong helps me to be more compassionate with others. As I'm more compassionate with others, I learn how to be more compassionate with myself.

Monday Quote

Sunday Scripture

Isaiah 9:6

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulders: and his name shall be called, Wonderful, Counselor, The might God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Saturday Links

Thought provoking post from the blog Good Time Stories:
https://goodtimestories.wordpress.com/2017/12/05/the-greatest-distance-in-the-world/

A fascinating post on fear, in Greek. The joys of looking up "Greek to English" in Google, being given a box to paste the text, and Google translating, bit by bit. Amazing.
https://searchingthemeaningoflife.wordpress.com/2017/12/07/the-real-cause-of-fear/

God bless.

Self Care 21 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

21. Being financially responsible for myself so I don’t have to still be dependent on abusers and then hating myself for it.

My response:

Sigh. I haven't figured this one out.  I'm still hopeful. It isn't over till it's over, as they say.

What I have accomplished:

My third counselor worked with me for five years. For the last three, I saw him every three months. It was an opportunity for me to review difficult situations and how I handled them. I would tell him how I handled the situation, ask him if I handled it in an acceptable manner, and ask for other ways I could have handled it, even if I'd done it right. I understood there were multiple ways to handle any situation.

My counselor's goal was twofold. He wanted me to be emotionally independent and financially independent. We accomplished the first but not the second. The first was the most important.

How do I live with the lack of the second without beating myself up?

God had other plans.

My counselor "badgered" me about moving out on my own. My frustration grew, with him but more with myself. Why wasn't I smart enough to figure out a way to escape the insanity? One day, I sat down and wrote out all of my attempts to move out on my own and why they didn't work out. I filled a page. I shared it with my counselor. He blinked. He acknowledged that I had made repeated sincere efforts but life kept happening, throwing roadblocks in my way. He was also proud of me for my attitude: "Okay, God, what next?"

I must acknowledge that I learned things by staying home that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. The most distressing lessons were when I saw behavior I didn't like and realized I did it. I grabbed the opportunity with both hands to make permanent changes in me. Looking in the mirror can be painful, depending on how you face it. Did I look away, pretending I didn't see the need to change, or did I give myself a hard look and see what I could change and make a plan to follow through?

I'm not grateful for the abuse that made me who I am. I do like who I am, now, and I don't think I'd be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through the abuse. God took something evil and worked it for my good. It didn't make the evil good. God wove the dark threads amid the gold, silver, and other vibrant colors to give the weaving of my life depth.

Self Care 20 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

20. Getting out in nature enough, which I find really healing.

My response:

I also find nature healing. Living in the city makes this one tough. I love the forest, and I love the beach. I have easy access to neither.

Enjoying the sunrise and the sunset always fills me with wonder. Arizona has some beauties.

Since I can't simply step outside into a forest or onto the beach, I've learned to narrow my perspective. I notice the yellow rose blooming on one of the bushes outside my window. The purple jacaranda blooms snag my attention. Butterflies visit the lantana plants taking over like weeds. There's an evergreen silk oak and arborvitae outside my window.

Inside, I have two Christmas cacti growing in pots on my windowsill. I don't do what's necessary to force them to bloom, but I enjoy that they're green and living.

A bouquet of flowers brightens a room and cheers me. It's a real challenge to convince myself I'm worth spending the money on something that won't last. A friend bought me a "Bouquet of the Month Club" from a local florist. The bouquets were elaborate, but they were pretty. I enjoyed them for a week or two, every month.

Listening to nature CDs or channels on line gives me the opportunity to use my imagination with the help of sound. I have a mountain stream, ocean, and rain.

Several years ago, a Rustic Pine scent was available at one of the stores. It was the closest I've ever found to anything not pine smelling like pine. I bought several bottles. Good thing since I haven't seen it again since. I save it for Christmas time. I also have other aromatherapy oils, like jasmine and rose and orange.

This is one that simply must be chosen. Create the opportunity. Compromise when "perfect" isn't available.

Wordless Wednesday

Self Care 19 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

19. Sleeping... I’ve slept about 6 hours in the last 48.

My response:

I haven't had as much trouble with this as others. On the occasions when I don't sleep all night, I confess the problems resides squarely with a book I couldn't put down. Then again, it might be that I couldn't put it down because I couldn't sleep or didn't want to sleep.

I've written before of the power of sleep deprivation to act as a tranquilizer, if you're in deep enough. This is sleep deprivation past the cranky/grumpy stage. I'm not saying it's healthy; it isn't. I'm saying I used it to keep me mellow. Considering the fact that I hadn't yet learned to cope with the lake of rage boiling inside me, anything to help me remain calm was a positive. Okay, not so much positive as basically preferable to the alternative. Living that way isn't actually living; it's existing.

It's important to figure out why you aren't sleeping. It might be a physical problem. It might be nightmares. Do your homework and find out. A plan of action can't be formed until you have some idea of what you're battling.

Why did I have struggle sleeping? If I went to sleep, the next day would come sooner. Yes, I'd have to face another day. Was my way of dealing with it logical? Who said logic had anything to do with it? Abuse is not logical. Avoiding the unavoidable is not logical. "Normal" but not logical.

"Normal is a setting on a dryer." Important to remember that. "What's normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

Lifesaving information about sleep: When you sleep is when your body repairs itself.

Sleep is when your brain works through your day, hence nightmares. I used to run and run and run but never went anywhere. I felt like I was running in water or jello or wet cement. I learned enough about dream interpretation to know I was trying to escape.

I learned how to change my dreams. It was usually easiest to make changes as I woke. This usually meant planning ahead. Not always successful but often enough I was able to curb some of my worst dreams.

I've experimented with any of a number of things to help me sleep at night.

I created a routine to help me know it's time to go to sleep. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

I have used Benadryl to help me sleep. I also discovered it helped with motion sickness.

I've used relaxation CDs of various types. Some work better than others. The CD shutting off woke me sometimes.

What I use now: Routine, rainymood.com, children's lantern that shines stars on the ceiling, lavender and/or frankincense and myrrh, a sunrise clock that slowly brightens over a half hour and finishes with the sound of the ocean, and a second alarm that turns on my favorite radio station (K-LOVE).

Practice, practice, practice. I know I sound like a broken record.

One more thing: What helps me turn off my brain when the thoughts are spiraling? I've worked through a lot of mantras, endeavoring to find one that works consistently for me. Repeating this over and over helps me to calm, like focusing on a flickering candle: Give the battle to God and praise God in the storm.