Self Care 21 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

21. Being financially responsible for myself so I don’t have to still be dependent on abusers and then hating myself for it.

My response:

Sigh. I haven't figured this one out.  I'm still hopeful. It isn't over till it's over, as they say.

What I have accomplished:

My third counselor worked with me for five years. For the last three, I saw him every three months. It was an opportunity for me to review difficult situations and how I handled them. I would tell him how I handled the situation, ask him if I handled it in an acceptable manner, and ask for other ways I could have handled it, even if I'd done it right. I understood there were multiple ways to handle any situation.

My counselor's goal was twofold. He wanted me to be emotionally independent and financially independent. We accomplished the first but not the second. The first was the most important.

How do I live with the lack of the second without beating myself up?

God had other plans.

My counselor "badgered" me about moving out on my own. My frustration grew, with him but more with myself. Why wasn't I smart enough to figure out a way to escape the insanity? One day, I sat down and wrote out all of my attempts to move out on my own and why they didn't work out. I filled a page. I shared it with my counselor. He blinked. He acknowledged that I had made repeated sincere efforts but life kept happening, throwing roadblocks in my way. He was also proud of me for my attitude: "Okay, God, what next?"

I must acknowledge that I learned things by staying home that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. The most distressing lessons were when I saw behavior I didn't like and realized I did it. I grabbed the opportunity with both hands to make permanent changes in me. Looking in the mirror can be painful, depending on how you face it. Did I look away, pretending I didn't see the need to change, or did I give myself a hard look and see what I could change and make a plan to follow through?

I'm not grateful for the abuse that made me who I am. I do like who I am, now, and I don't think I'd be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through the abuse. God took something evil and worked it for my good. It didn't make the evil good. God wove the dark threads amid the gold, silver, and other vibrant colors to give the weaving of my life depth.