Self Care 23 of 25

I want to take the same care going through these as the last group of statements, focusing on solutions. I'm not good at self care, but I am learning.

Original link:

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/

23. Allowing myself to feel, not just the pain, but the peaceful times too.

My response:

Feeling emotions was a challenge. I talked about feeling emotions in an earlier post:

http://laurelhawkes.blogspot.com/2017/11/self-care-5-of-25.html

I think the above statement is a little different.

Allowing myself to feel emotions, all of them, was many things but peaceful wasn't one of them. I lived in a bubbling cauldron. Sometimes it was good; it bubbled like the perfect stew or hot chocolate. Sometimes it wasn't so good because it felt like everything was boiling over and burning.

It was amazing being able to feel a wide range of emotions again. I also frequently felt out of control. It was a dilemma. I didn't want to go back to muting my feelings, but I didn't want to live in a hurricane of emotions all the time. It was tiring.

Feeling at peace was a whole new challenge. PTSD is not peaceful. If if things are peaceful, PTSD has a way of shattering it. Unfortunately, sometimes it's a matter of self-sabotage because chaos is more familiar than peace.

Practice comes in small steps. Stopping to notice a beautiful rose or sunset...

My most vivid memory of feeling true peace was a visit to California. My friends took me to the ocean. I hadn't wanted to go because my previous memory of the ocean was from the Oregon coast. The crashing waves drove me crazy. I wanted desperately to be able to turn down the volume. Of course, I couldn't. It was awful.

My friends took me to Belmont Beach, a section of Long Beach. The waves gently rolled to shore. Shush... shush... shush... The wet, soft, fine sand cushioned each step and shifted with each wave, not to much to set me off balance but enough to keep me aware of the sensations. Warm water, as in not Atlantic cold, poured over my feet and retreated. I could feel my shoulders ease away from my ears. I hadn't realized how tight those muscles were. My friends gave me the opportunity to walk that beach a number of times. It became one of my grounding exercises. I touch my thumbs to my middle fingers, and I'm transported to the beach.

Peace grows as I embrace the truth. It's astonishing how much work and chaos lies produce. Remove the lies, and you don't have to remember what you said to keep the balls in the air. The truth stands alone. Granted, "the truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." It's awful going through the muddle when you're tossing out the lies. Strip away one and find another buried underneath. However, once you're down to the truth life is simpler, more peaceful. The peace is worth fighting for, and it is a daily battle against the lies that seek to dominate life. Choose truth, and peace follows. Not always right away, but in the dark of night, it's peaceful because the lies are silenced.