Original link:
https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2017/07/16/25-obvious-non-obvious-self-care-issues-complex-trauma-survivors-struggle-with-lilly-hope-lucario/
17. Biggest problem I have is remembering that I need to give myself more attention and love. Rather than continuously giving it all to others.
My response:
After being taught that you are unlovable the above is a huge mountain to conquer.
I think it's important to note that there are so many people who were taught they are unlovable are also people who endeavor to love and give to others. There is a concerted effort to treat others not only differently than they had been treated but to treat them better. In some cases, it goes to an unfortunately extreme of believing that we can somehow buy love by being generous. Sadder still is that in doing that, we are missing the point.
Being truly generous, loving, giving includes an important ingredient we were denied: No expectations, no keeping score, no payback.
The thing about being an abuse survivor is that I was taught score was always kept. I should not only be grateful for every single little thing I was given, good and bad, but I was in debt to my abuser. Yes, I know how insane that sounds that's because it is.
As an abuse survivor, my world was skewed to the warped vision of the predators in my life. Part of my love of books is that I was given the opportunity to see the world through the eyes of different authors. Funnily enough, I could see how unhealthy some authors' views were, because they mirrored my own growing up. I sought out authors with healthier perspective than mine. Favorite authors would be replaced by healthier favorites.
I had to choose to change.
I want to be loving, giving, generous, compassionate, kind. I couldn't keep my mindset if I wanted to become a better person. I had to find healthier people to emulate.
In my journey to become healthier, I've met people who were generous, at a price. I didn't always see it right away. It's a challenge to see the good and incorporate it into my own life and to weed out what isn't healthy and let it go.
My third counselor told me that I couldn't love others if I didn't love myself. I really hated hearing that. I denied it. I wanted to fire him, except he was the counselor I needed right then. I had to learn to see through his eyes. He was willing to teach me.
Why is it impossible to love others when you don't love yourself?
True love is good, filled with light, open. When you don't love yourself it isn't good, it's dark, and weirdly enough closed off. We see ourselves in others. The people who have annoyed me, not the ones that have chosen evil, but the ones who do things that irritate me, are frequently reflecting something I don't like in myself.
When I love myself I'm able to better see the good in others because I see the good in myself.
When I didn't love myself -- and I'm not saying I'm perfect at loving myself now, because I'm definitely not -- there were empty spaces in myself I was trying to fill. My giving was often an attempt to somehow fill those holes.
Something else I discovered along the way, when I hate myself I'm saying that God made a mistake in creating me. That's how I learned to change my perspective. God doesn't make mistakes. God created me. He is Love. The ultimate Love of the universe decided I belonged here, at this time, in this place. I'm a creation of Love. How can I not be lovable?
As I recognize the Love in me, I'm able to see the Love in others. I'm learning to share the Love that's a part of me.
Here's a secret: As I've learned to love myself, I've learned to better see how to be loving toward others. I give myself the gifts that warm my heart and recognize that others need different things. I don't need them to meet my needs or give me the love I crave. And here's the really funny/cool part: As I learn to give to others what they need, people appear in my life who give me what I need. I don't feel deprived if someone else doesn't come through for me because I know I'll take care of myself. The gifts from others are delightful surprises, and I enjoy sharing delightful surprises with others.
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